Holiday treats to buy for your office that say 'I hate you all'

DO you feel obliged to buy treats for your colleagues when returning from holiday even though you hate their stupid faces? Here’s what to get them.

‘Interesting’ foreign delicacies
A bag of odd-tasting snacks with an incomprehensible name suggests you think your colleagues have adventurous palates, when in fact it’s just really enjoyable watching them eat deep-fried goat anuses.

Disgusting sweets
People will eat anything if it’s free and distracts them from work for two minutes, so search out something truly horrible like mealworms coated in nougat.

A bottle of undrinkable spirits
Even if it smells and tastes like nail varnish remover, it won’t stop everyone having a nip at lunchtime and dehydration and a nasty hangover by 2pm. Make the fools drink more by claiming you “really like it” and have a few more bottles at home.

An old, battered cake
Office workers are obsessed with cakes, so your colleagues will happily chow down on one that’s travelled a couple of thousand miles in your suitcase, even if it smells a bit weird and has a 70 percent chance of giving them food poisoning.

Liquorice allsorts from the airport
Nothing screams “I hate you bastards and didn’t think of you once while I was away” louder than something so unexotic they can buy it from the newsagent’s across the road.


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BBC accidentally interviews Remain-voting member of public

THE BBC has apologised after accidentally showing an interview with a random member of the public who does not support Brexit.

The young reporter responsible for the error, Nikki Hollis, said: ”I’m so sorry. I haven’t had much experience of finding angry Brexiters repeating the same tabloid cliches for the billionth time.

“I’d seen a guy who looked just the ticket. White, bald, middle-aged, muttering angrily to himself. He looked like just the sort of person who had legitimate concerns about the EU.

“I stuck out my microphone and asked him, quite neutrally, if he felt ‘left behind’, was worried about immigration and whether it was time for a fresh approach with a party led by someone called Nigel.

“But the bastard said ‘no’ and now I’ve interviewed a member of the liberal elite. I’m in for a real bollocking from John Humphrys.”

Interviewee Tom Booker said: “I don’t want to cause any problems so from now on I’ll identify myself as a Remainer by painting my face blue and gold and mincing along in a metropolitan way with a glass of chardonnay.”