Still time for one last catastrophic f**k-up, May hoping

THERESA May is hoping her final days in office will be enough time for one more of her trademark enormous fuck-ups.

The prime minister, who officially retires tomorrow, is in a race against time to launch a policy that is not only immensely harmful but also totally unnecessary.

May said: “There must be something I can embark on without consulting anybody which will be so disastrous they’ll still be cleaning up the mess in two years. But what?

“Northern Ireland I’ve done. Scotland yeah, pretty much. Wales? Can you fuck up Wales? Would anyone notice?

“Or should I go for a policy area, like education? There’s no point interfering anywhere Chris Grayling’s been a minister, that’s scorched earth already.

“Hang on. I’ve got it. The minute I get home I’m announcing the complete privatisation of the armed forces, with bids from contractors including G4S, Virgin, Unilever and the Russian government.

“Soon squaddies will have to buy their own rifles and the RAF will be downsized to one Tornado. It’s a terrible idea with consequences that are entirely predictable.

“How do I do it? I don’t know. I guess it’s just a gift.”

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How to kill sexual arousal by describing your own sexual arousal

DO you want to engage in passionate lovemaking but can’t help describing it in a really naff way? Here’s how to kill any chance of sexual activity.

‘I’m really revved up’

Vehicle metaphors are not sexy, because you’re suggesting to your partner that sex is going to be like a lorry chugging down the M1 or a whiny 50cc Honda scooter straining to make it up a hill.

‘The shop is open’

It may well be, but is it an old shoe shop you thought had gone out of business but is actually still open and sells cheap ladies’ shoes and Kiwi leather polish? Or a corner shop full of overpriced bleach and Cheese Doritos? Neither mental image is erotic.

‘Mr Stiffy wants to come out to play’

Any twee, childish way of describing sexual arousal is best avoided unless you and your partner are both morons or secondary characters in a dreadful ‘posh English twats’ Richard Curtis film.

‘I want to hump you so badly’

The sort of comment that bodybuilders think is sexy. Unfortunately it calls to mind an oversexed labrador getting it on with your new IKEA pouffe.

‘I’m throbbing wet’, and similar

Anything that’s a bit too graphic and coarse can be a real passion-killer. It’s like saying “My vag is up for it like Tyson Fury after you’ve called his mum a slag”. It’s just not nice.