THERESA May is hoping her final days in office will be enough time for one more of her trademark enormous fuck-ups.
The prime minister, who officially retires tomorrow, is in a race against time to launch a policy that is not only immensely harmful but also totally unnecessary.
May said: “There must be something I can embark on without consulting anybody which will be so disastrous they’ll still be cleaning up the mess in two years. But what?
“Northern Ireland I’ve done. Scotland yeah, pretty much. Wales? Can you fuck up Wales? Would anyone notice?
“Or should I go for a policy area, like education? There’s no point interfering anywhere Chris Grayling’s been a minister, that’s scorched earth already.
“Hang on. I’ve got it. The minute I get home I’m announcing the complete privatisation of the armed forces, with bids from contractors including G4S, Virgin, Unilever and the Russian government.
“Soon squaddies will have to buy their own rifles and the RAF will be downsized to one Tornado. It’s a terrible idea with consequences that are entirely predictable.
“How do I do it? I don’t know. I guess it’s just a gift.”