HAVE you got what it takes to be a lamentable one night stand? Find out:
What do you look for in a hook-up?
A) An erotic but ephemeral night of fun before maintaining a civil distance afterwards.
B) A vision of perfection who I will never, ever be parted from based on a single disastrous and prematurely-ended sex act. And full financial support.
Have you got your shit together?
A) Yes. I set the mood by hiding the dental retainer on my bedside table.
B) Oh totally, but I need to crash for a few nights? I need to lay low from my crazy ex who’s got the police on my back, and various dealers I owe to.
How does it feel… ‘down there’?
A) Clean, unremarkable, all in working order.
B) My groin is so itchy that it has appeared in various medical journals as a warning to promiscuous youths.
What’s your contraceptive method?
A) Usually condoms. Although sometimes, if I haven’t got any, I claim I’m on the pill.
B) The pull-out method. Statistically it has to work one of these days.
What’s your aftercare routine?
A) A cuddle and an offer of a nice cup of tea. And an over-optimistic suggestion of a second go.
B) What the f**k is aftercare? I roll over and go to sleep the second I’m done. They know where the door is.
Mostly As: You sound like a well-rounded, clean cut individual, meaning you have none of the requirements to be a truly terrible one-night stand. Although you can look forward to a future of dutiful missionary sex with your long-term partner, should you ever get one.
Mostly Bs: Congratulations; your life is a motorway pile-up of mistakes, making you perfect misguided one-night stand material. Only a fool would shack up with you. What are you up to this weekend? Whatsapp your address.