Are you regrettable one-night stand material? Take our quiz

HAVE you got what it takes to be a lamentable one night stand? Find out:

What do you look for in a hook-up?

A) An erotic but ephemeral night of fun before maintaining a civil distance afterwards.
B) A vision of perfection who I will never, ever be parted from based on a single disastrous and prematurely-ended sex act. And full financial support.

Have you got your shit together?

A) Yes. I set the mood by hiding the dental retainer on my bedside table.
B) Oh totally, but I need to crash for a few nights? I need to lay low from my crazy ex who’s got the police on my back, and various dealers I owe to.

How does it feel… ‘down there’?

A) Clean, unremarkable, all in working order.
B) My groin is so itchy that it has appeared in various medical journals as a warning to promiscuous youths.

What’s your contraceptive method?

A) Usually condoms. Although sometimes, if I haven’t got any, I claim I’m on the pill.
B) The pull-out method. Statistically it has to work one of these days.

What’s your aftercare routine?

A) A cuddle and an offer of a nice cup of tea. And an over-optimistic suggestion of a second go.
B) What the f**k is aftercare? I roll over and go to sleep the second I’m done. They know where the door is.

ANSWERS

Mostly As: You sound like a well-rounded, clean cut individual, meaning you have none of the requirements to be a truly terrible one-night stand. Although you can look forward to a future of dutiful missionary sex with your long-term partner, should you ever get one.

Mostly Bs: Congratulations; your life is a motorway pile-up of mistakes, making you perfect misguided one-night stand material. Only a fool would shack up with you. What are you up to this weekend? Whatsapp your address.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

The 40-year-old goth's guide to transitioning into normal life

WENT gothic at 14 but unable to justify dressing like a Poundland Edward Scissorhands in middle age? Former goth Roy Hobbs outlines escape routes:

Ditch the make-up

While my signature look of a powdered face, charcoal eyeshadow, and crimped raven-black hair earned me admirers, there comes a time when age does the work of making you look like a corpse all on its own. Gradually reduce over months and nobody will ever say ‘You’re looking well’.

Introduce other music

Everyone loved the years you spent blaring Marilyn Manson, but against all the odds he turned out to be a bad person. So why not indulge your secret fondness for Natasha Bedingfield? While family might initially miss the eclectic mix of cyber goth and industrial death metal you used to play, they’ll adjust to the new you.

Remove your tattoos

At the age of 21 it made perfect sense to get gravestones inked on both forearms. But now, as has been made clear, it’s stalling your career progression in NatWest. Get them lasered and you’ll still be scarred, remaining authentically goth while achieving your middle-management dream.

Toss the clothes

Your teenage daughter will take your mascara, but 20 years of Cure, Sisters of Mercy and Cradle of Filth T-shirts won’t be as easy to shift. A charity shot will take your wardrobe of darkness and your full-length leather trench coat stinking of decades of stale sweat.

Take up a new hobby

Now you can’t spend evening brooding on a throne, white rats running freely about your body while you sip Pernod and black from a skull, you need a new hobby. No, not taxidermy. Personally I’ve found crochet to be incredibly rewarding.

Get a tan

The ultimate goth taboo should only be attempted when you feel you’re ready. Step out in the sun, resist your natural urge to hiss ‘It burnsss!’ and allow it to bronze your flesh. Think of the money you’ll save on vitamin D supplements.

Next story ›