A TEENAGER has been charged with attempting to shag a Shetland pony near Huddersfield. Let’s hope it doesn’t become a Gen Z dating trend, because the following will happen:
A deluge of slang
Expect baffling new Gen Z terms for bestiality, such as ‘fazzing’, meaning ‘dating a sheep’. There will also be confusion as familiar words get new meanings, especially for older people with younger colleagues. How were you to know ‘camping’ now means fellating an ape?
You’ll feel ancient for never having had sex with a cow
Middle-aged people understandably feel past it and envious if Gen Z appear to be having more sex than they did, and with an estimated 20 quintillion animals on Earth, that’s a lot of potential shags. You could always try bestiality yourself, but you’re worried you might look like a creepy old pervert hitting on much younger heifers.
Animal situationships
Gen Z are supposedly into semi-casual ‘situationships’ so they might do the same with their animal shag buddies. In a sense this is a good thing, as a golden retriever will never demand you go exclusive. Although they will insist you throw that stick again.
Endless articles about it
The media loves obsessing over Gen Z trends, no matter how tragic. You won’t be able to escape articles in the Mail about sheep ticks being the new chlamydia among feckless young people. The Guardian will be cringingly liberal, advising readers that it’s okay for their teenage son’s Shetland pony girlfriend to stay the night, and they should remove anything potentially offensive to an equine, such as bottles of glue.
Pop stars will get in on the trend
Any artist who can really speak to young people about shagging fauna is looking at chart success. Drake is a Gen Z favourite who’s all about showing your feelings and admitting to vulnerability, so he could easily have a mega-hit with, say, Topsy’s Hutch, a moving track about his painful break-up with an Angora rabbit.
TikTok will be even more unwatchable
Gen Z bestialists will flood TikTok with inane animal relationship content, such as ‘Top 5 anime costumes my otter boyfriend loves’. You will both feel that humanity has reached a dead end and watch two hours of it.
New animal-based dating problems
Gen Z are at the forefront of tedious dating problems like ghosting and breadcrumbing, so there’ll be a host of new ones such as your partner leaving her manky chew toys in the bed or him not texting when he’s out all night catching mice. Older people will despair, and wonder why they can’t just meet someone the normal way, ie get pissed together and see if she invites you back to her kennel.
