MEN who favour Anne Hathaway over Sydney Sweeney are the great sexual thinkers of their time. Follow these precepts and you can become the Einstein of being horny:
Brunettes over blondes
Blondes have more fun, and isn’t that childish and selfish in this current historical moment of populist dictators and climate change? Brunettes, conversely, are the aesthete’s choice and can be trusted to balance the books at home. Choosing to bone a brown-haired bird proves you are a man of depth and sober judgement.
Bums over boobs
Boobs are obvious – they’re right there, front and centre, demanding attention from the weak-minded. A man who gives his sexual peccadillos a little thought has recognised that the bum is closer to the genitalia and is, therefore, is a more coherent and worthy sexual option.
Small boobs over big boobs
If you do have thoughts about breasts, simply from fair-mindedness, you have concluded that small but perfectly formed beats oversized beach balls. Clearly some men still haven’t moved on from Page 3, but as a broadsheet reader you never dabbled in that nonsense anyway and only leafed through Nuts for anthropological reasons.
Athletic over thin
Then there are those men, the model-fanciers, ignorantly demanding women slim down to size eight for their own satisfaction. You deplore them. A truly wise man notes that good cardiovascular fitness and muscle tone allows for better performance in the bedroom, and it’s better for her long-term health.
Wearing glasses
As a heavyweight intellectual yourself, having read all 1,325 pages of Stephen King’s The Stand, you would never begrudge a woman looking bookish. As long as she’s still very, very pretty. And contact lenses are far harder to incorporate into sexy librarian fantasies anyway.
Minimal make-up over a full face
Your knuckle-dragging Neanderthal, with his 2:2 degree from a former polytechnic, is after a woman who wears false eyelashes to the supermarket. You, meanwhile, as a man with a three-figure IQ, recognise that light make-up makes it clearer what her face looks like. Not no make-up though. You’re not an idiot.
