'But what's actually wrong with friends with benefits?' ask men

MEN have asked women what is really wrong with a ‘friends with benefits’ scenario. 

Having spent years trying to convince women of the obvious merits of a friendly casual sex arrangement, men are trying to pin down what they think the disadvantages actually are.

Man Tom Logan said: “Friendship is nice. Sex is nice. Put them together and what have you got? Double nice.

“Friends with benefits means you can have a satisfying sexual relationship and then maybe engage in other activities you both enjoy, like walking in the park, watching the football or farting competitions. 

“And you don’t have any of the downsides of a long-term relationship, like getting bored, meeting each other’s families or pretending to care about their feelings.

“Friendship is such a lovely thing that you shouldn’t just restrict it to one person. It’s best to have lots of friends with benefits, preferably all under 35 and large-breasted. There’s no reason why you shouldn’t hang out in a group of, say, six friends – five women and me. 

“Of course, if women ask if this is what I’m after, I will say no, I’m seeking a serious long-term monogamous relationship. I’m not f**king stupid.”

Woman Charlotte Phelps said: “So I can have disappointing sex and no birthday presents? Sign me up as Casual Shag #3.”

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Boats stopped

ALL small boats crossing the Channel have halted their sailings immediately after the Rwanda bill passed its second reading.

The human traffickers running the crossings have packed up their dinghies and gone home, and all asylum seekers have agreed Britain has them beaten this time.

Refugee Issam Haydar, who left his war-torn country when he lost his home and family, said: “No way I’m going to the UK now. Those guys are tough.

“If this reading hadn’t been passed, or even if Rishi hadn’t shown a willingness to really toughen up the language used at the committee stage, I’d have been straight over. After all, 75 per cent of asylum applicants are accepted as valid.

“But now this bill’s been passed, the deterrent effect is being properly felt because deterrents always work. It’s why nobody in your country smokes cannabis.

“I guess I’ll just have to abandon all hope of coming to Britain and settle in France, because after this there is no way the Tories are losing the next election. That is a landslide on lock.”

He added: “Shame really, because I’m a doctor.”