I asked my son what he wanted for Christmas and he said 'Stop the boats, daddy'

By Roy Hobbs

WHAT have we come to when a five-year-old tot is begging his father to stop uncontrolled immigration? It’s disgusting that such a true thing should definitely have happened.

Naturally my first instinct as a father was to go on Twitter. How can it be right that our failed immigration policies are playing on the mind of a small but surprisingly aware child who definitely exists?

Of course, there were the ‘Yeah, that really happened’ comments, but that’s just woke leftists who won’t accept Britain is a lawless Third World cesspit now. I almost feel sorry for them, living in a made-up fantasy world. 

I’d love to reassure my little Billy that Father Christmas will start deporting foreigners soon, but of course we all know Santa isn’t real. Unlike Billy. I’d post a photo of him as proof but I can’t because of all the paedos.

It’s heartbreaking how times have changed. When I was a lad all I wanted for Christmas was an Action Man and a football, but my son is growing up worried it’ll be illegal to be a white heterosexual cisgender male soon. That’s another thing he said, he’s very bright for his age.

All I can say is thank you for all the ‘likes’ from other concerned parents like ‘Rights 4 Whites’, ‘Emma Biological Woman’ and ‘SS Lone Wolf’. It’s reassuring to know there’s an online community out there that only has the best interests of kiddies at heart.

Obviously I’d like a proper leader like Farage to sort out the Remoaners, transgenders and asylum seekers. But can I really say, hand on heart, ‘Don’t worry son, soon we’ll be putting them all in camps’? 

The way things are going, next Christmas little Billy will probably be asking for a vagina. In fact I’m strangely sure he’s going to say that.

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Woman trades car for multiple complex intersecting transport options so she can have second glass of wine

A WOMAN who has a car and can drive has decided to instead treble her journey time so she can enjoy a second glass of Pinot Grigio.

Mary Fisher, aged 32, was intending to drive to a Christmas get-together with friends but has instead decided to leave her car at home and make the complicated journey on public transport so she can get ever so slightly drunk.

She said: “It’s no trouble, really. Bus to the train station, train to the tram stop, tram into town, then the same back. If the trains are still running. If not it’s three buses.

“Yes, I could just jump in the car that’s sitting outside on the drive and be there in 30 minutes, but where’s the fun in that? Only having one glass of wine while everyone else gets sloshed, and at Christmas?

“Really it just shows how piss-poor public transport is in our town. That I have to go through this rigmarole is an absolute disgrace. I may write to my MP, leaving out the bit about how I only do this to get pissed.

“Not that I’ll be able to get very pissed, of course. Not with all that shit to negotiate on the way home.”

Friend Carolyn Ryan said: “I admire Mary’s commitment to the cause and I wish there was a better solution. Fingers crossed Katie gets pregnant soon so she can drive us all about.”