Eyelashes on headlights, and other things that will add £200 to the garage's bill

WANT to pay an extra £200 for your car’s annual service? Simply make sure your car includes these accessories and you’ll be out of pocket in no time: 

Eyelashes on headlights

More often found on Nissan Micras than Porsche Carreras, these allow drivers to believe their car is flirting with other traffic on the A34 like an automotive Betty Boop. Mechanics, who tend not to be in touch with their feminine sides, are humiliated by having to work on it and charge accordingly. And while it is possible for women who like their headlamps decorative to know about cars, few will challenge £220 for a ‘busted axle-tibula’.

Fuzzy dice

A pair of these 1980s accessories dangling from the rear-view mirror? They may as well be testicles for the mechanic to grab and squeeze. Cars are a serious business, not for you to pretend you’re one of The Professionals when you’re a customer services manager from Darlington. Think of your subsequent overcharging as an on-the-spot fine.

Reindeer ears

At this time of year, you may be tempted to buy a pair of reindeer ears to make your car resemble Rudolph’s head. Do not do this. It undercuts your authority when yelling ‘wanker!’ at a taxi that cut you up at the lights, and it incurs the displeasure of garages who will add a Christmas bonus to your bill.

Interior car lights

Do you really need your legs to be bathed in purple as you drive? Why? What benefit are the vibes of an Ibiza nightclub as you do 30mph in a built-up area? The garage will assume you’re a boy racer, correctly decide the roads are safer without you on them and add a charge to encourage your future in pedestrianism.


You have a dreamcatcher hanging from your mirror? To catch bad dreams? From when you nod off in the outside lane of the M4? If that’s what’s happening you’re everybody’s nightmare. ‘Darling, you’re making it too easy for me,’ says the mechanic, hoping a bracing £285 surcharge will wake you the f**k up.


Not strictly an accessory but hardly necessary, is it? Other cars get from A to B without costing an extra 20 grand. Your car is making a statement, and that statement is that you have money. The garage has received that message and understands perfectly. Hence the bill.

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Cheating scumbag boyfriend has also lost all his WhatsApps

A SERIAL cheater has confirmed that significant numbers of his WhatsApps have mysteriously vanished, just like the prime minister’s. 

Ryan Whittaker, whose girlfriend suspects that he may have been unfaithful on a number of occasions between January 2020 and October 2021, was dismayed to announce that thousands of messages from that period are simply gone.

He said: “Straight up, I thought Rishi and Boris were bullshitting the Covid inquiry but it seems this is a widespread problem.

“Just like them, all the messages that would prove my innocence and definitely weren’t tit shots from Tinder birds have gone while my conversations with the missus are untouched.

“It seems whatever happened to the lads from Downing Street – basically doing nothing wrong, being suspected of it, feeling wounded that a technical glitch leaves them unable to prove their innocence – also happened to me. WhatsApp should be ashamed.

“Now anyone could look through my phone, which yeah I did change a few times through simple clumsiness, and not find a single piece of evidence I ever hooked up with a slam piece in a Bristol Travelodge because it didn’t take place.

Whittaker’s girlfriend Eleanor Shaw said: “Huh, bizarre. Oh well, better carry on like this never happened.”