WANT to pay an extra £200 for your car’s annual service? Simply make sure your car includes these accessories and you’ll be out of pocket in no time:
Eyelashes on headlights
More often found on Nissan Micras than Porsche Carreras, these allow drivers to believe their car is flirting with other traffic on the A34 like an automotive Betty Boop. Mechanics, who tend not to be in touch with their feminine sides, are humiliated by having to work on it and charge accordingly. And while it is possible for women who like their headlamps decorative to know about cars, few will challenge £220 for a ‘busted axle-tibula’.
A pair of these 1980s accessories dangling from the rear-view mirror? They may as well be testicles for the mechanic to grab and squeeze. Cars are a serious business, not for you to pretend you’re one of The Professionals when you’re a customer services manager from Darlington. Think of your subsequent overcharging as an on-the-spot fine.
At this time of year, you may be tempted to buy a pair of reindeer ears to make your car resemble Rudolph’s head. Do not do this. It undercuts your authority when yelling ‘wanker!’ at a taxi that cut you up at the lights, and it incurs the displeasure of garages who will add a Christmas bonus to your bill.
Interior car lights
Do you really need your legs to be bathed in purple as you drive? Why? What benefit are the vibes of an Ibiza nightclub as you do 30mph in a built-up area? The garage will assume you’re a boy racer, correctly decide the roads are safer without you on them and add a charge to encourage your future in pedestrianism.
You have a dreamcatcher hanging from your mirror? To catch bad dreams? From when you nod off in the outside lane of the M4? If that’s what’s happening you’re everybody’s nightmare. ‘Darling, you’re making it too easy for me,’ says the mechanic, hoping a bracing £285 surcharge will wake you the f**k up.
Not strictly an accessory but hardly necessary, is it? Other cars get from A to B without costing an extra 20 grand. Your car is making a statement, and that statement is that you have money. The garage has received that message and understands perfectly. Hence the bill.