Cheeky f**ker puts £50 limit on Secret Santa

A PRESUMPTIOUS twat has ruined Secret Santa for all her friends by setting an extortionate cost limit on gifts.

Lauren Hewitt, aged 32, who was already considered a loaded bastard too into organised fun, set up the anonymous seasonal exchange with her friends then imposed a limit five times higher than anyone was considering paying.

She said: “It’s only a bit of fun, we don’t want anyone getting carried away, so I thought I’d make that abundantly clear by keeping costs low. You can actually get something decent for £50.

“I did see some unhappy faces so I’ve pulled people aside and said look, if you want to go over the limit that’s up to you, but oddly it doesn’t seem to have settled anyone down.”

Friend Grace Wood-Morris said: “I’m not planning to spend that much on my mother, and now I’ve got to shell out that much for a name out of a hat for a group of people who are frankly my back-up for slow weekends?

“We’ve all WhatsApped behind Lauren’s back and we’re not spending any more than a tenner. Adam’s got her, and he’s going to get something from a charity shop and claim it’s vintage. Posh twats love vintage.”

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Who are the same old right-wing Tories f**king everything up again?

WHO are the same few right-wing lunatics once again threatening to bring down the government over bullshit? We wearily re-introduce them: 

Mark Francois, member for Rayleigh and Wickford

Christ, him? The guy from Brexit whose red-faced tantrums brought Northern Ireland a sea border? Whose picture appears on the Wikipedia page for ‘gammon’? Why is it always men with French surnames like him and Farage? Why are they sublimating their self-loathing into wild xenophobia?

Jonathan Gullis, member for Stoke-on-Trent North

There’s no avoiding this prick. Privately educated, a former teacher who revelled in the loathing of his pupils, he plunged himself into the filthy waters of Stoke-on-Trent and emerged as born-again scum. Utterly convinced that by being his worst self at all times he is representing his constituents because he could not despise them more.

Lee Anderson, member for Ashfield and GB News

A former Labour supporter and backer of Michael Foot – for younger readers think Jeremy Corbyn, but exactly the same – hugely overcompensating for having once believed the poor existed to do anything but suffer. Would like to live in a copy of the Sun from 1982.

Liz Truss, member for South West Norfolk

Keeping a low profile because of her well-earned reputation as the kiss of death, but the Rwanda plan is unworkable bullshit that will cost Britain millions, make us an international pariah and tank Tory poll ratings. How could she not back it? It’s everything she loves.

Andrea Jenkyns, member for Morley and Outwood

Unable to spell her own surname, Jenkyns is best known for being a rabid backer of Boris Johnson who still wants him back. She was willing to break up the UK to get him in, so there is no bottom to the depths she’ll sink to in order to facilitate his return. If the world was destroyed to place him on his throne, she’d be happy.