BRYAN Adams has claimed Summer of ‘69 is about mutual oral sex, ruining it forever for everybody. These artists should know better than to make us picture their O-face:
I’m Too Sexy, Right Said Fred, 1991
A song not so much tongue-in-cheek as a deeply-held belief for pissed blokes in shit nightclubs for more than 30 years, unless you’re a Morph fetishist you’re unlikely to want to get it on with the bald Fairbrass brothers and their anti-vaccination beliefs. Either one at a time or both at once.
Summer of ’69, Bryan Adams, 1985
More enjoyable before you were forced to imagine the granite-faced rocker spreadeagled beneath a lucky partner, slobbering like a labrador with a chew toy. And (Everything I Do) I Do It for You was number one for four f**king months. There’s no way you’re noshing Bryan off if you lived through that.
Touch Me (I Want Your Body), Samantha Fox, 1986
There is much to explain about Sam. She was a famous topless model in national newspapers when she was 16, for one. But, frankly, did you fancy her that much even when it was considered okay to? Sun readers did, because big tits were the limit of their imagination, but they’re retroactively paedophiles honour-bound to string themselves up.
Sex With Me, Rihanna, 2016
‘Sex with me, so amazing,’ sings Rihanna, and yes, very likely. But intimidating. Because which of us could really, in all confidence, sing the same? And when imagining yourself in bed with her, can you honestly see yourself measuring up? Or before the end of this 3m 26s song would you be backing out of the bedroom apologising?
Tonight (We Need a Lover), Mötley Crüe, 1985
One of many emotionally and mentally stunted Crüe songs about sex. The problem is not so much that the Crüe are unattractive, it’s that they’re such massive, massive wankers. And with tracks like Girls, Girls, Girls and She Goes Down, it feels like they’re overcompensating. That would certainly explain Too Fast For Love.
Let’s Talk About Sex, Salt-N-Pepa, 1991
Imagine the f**king earache involved. First they waste a verse talking about talking about sex, then they’re lining up a big old chat that’s likely to focus on inadequacies rather than unqualified praise. It seems an unspontaneous affair, since their earlier single advised you to ‘push it real good’ which smacks of micromanaging the situation.
Black Sweat, Prince, 2006
Perhaps the last truly great Prince song and sexy as hell, but there were always issues with him. Height issues. High-heel issues. Issues of rampant, wild promiscuity while being absolutely dedicated to the Lord. What, in the bedroom, would you actually get? Of all his many lovers, who’s actually talked about it positively afterwards? Not a single one.