Couple announce 'we're exclusive' to total indifference

A COUPLE have announced they have gone exclusive, to the shrugging apathy of their family and friends.

Ryan Whittaker and Helen Archer had been dating for four months before telling everyone they are no longer open to sexual relations with third parties, news which was largely received without changing expression.

Archer’s friend Sophie Rodriguez said: “But she wasn’t seeing anyone else. Neither was he. Neither could he.

“There was no big announcement when they weren’t exclusive, so are we meant to assume everyone’s in an open relationship until further notice? ‘Is it alright if I shag your boyfriend a minute, Helen? I’m bored and I can’t get 5G.’

“It goes: dating, snog, sex, moving in together, f**k it we might as well get married. There’s no stage of the journey marked ‘exclusivity announcement’, especially if she’s emotionally overbearing and he’s ginger.

“Congratulations on no longer being notionally open to getting rammed by a stranger, Helen. This is a real step forward for your relationship. Bet you still would though.”

Archer said: “He was asking for a key to my flat, so I panicked and invented this.”

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