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Couple claiming not to know what any sex toy is for

A COUPLE browsing a sex toy website together are both claiming never to have seen any of the products in action before.

Josh Hudson and Charlotte Phelps have responded to each item with bemused looks, shocked giggles and shouts of ‘Eurgh!’ despite knowing full well the multiple uses each one has.

Hudson said: “We’ve only been going out for two months, so this whole sex toy thing is completely new to us. No, neither of us have used them before with other partners. Definitely not.

“I’ve heard something about men having a G-spot up their arse, but that’s surely an urban myth? I’ve certainly never allowed someone to push a massive butt plug up mine in an effort to find it. If that’s even what butt plugs are for, of course.”

Phelps said: “Some of my friends have told me about edible bras and flavoured condoms, so I’m excited to start exploring my wild side with Josh. And from there it’s a simple step up into using whips and Japanese shibari bondage. Apparently.

“We’ve gone ahead and ordered a small bullet vibrator to start with. The MegaWand Vibratron 3000 and gimp mask will have to wait. For a couple of weeks.”

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Sitting on your own bollock, and five other avoidable injuries

YOUR body is largely good to you, but that doesn’t stop you causing it unnecessary pain by doing some utterly stupid things. Like these:

Biting your tongue

Chewing is a basic human function which you’ve been doing since you were about 18 months old. Yet, on a semi-regular basis, you f**k up this simple process and bite your own tongue, which hurts like absolute hell. Why haven’t you got the hang of it yet?

Sitting on your own bollock

You’ve sat down thousands, if not millions of times, absolutely faultlessly. And then, out of the blue, your scrotum decides to distend itself to the length of a sock and you’re screaming in pain on the chair you’ve just thunked yourself into. You have to lower yourself gingerly onto every surface for weeks afterwards.

Chilli in your eye

You’ve just made a complicated, spicy curry for date night and then, like the idiot you are, you’ve given your eyes a good long rub with your Scotch bonnet-infused fingers. They instantly become bright red and weep so copiously that you’ve completely scuppered your chances of getting laid tonight.

Stubbing your toe

Just for a moment you lose all sense of spatial awareness and give the chair leg that’s always in exactly the same place a colossal kick while walking past it. After rolling around on the floor in agony for a few minutes you ring 111, who tell you there’s no chance you’ll be seen for such a poxy injury and hang up.

Pulling a muscle in your neck sleeping

When you’re asleep you are lying down, inert and, in theory, relaxed. So how can it be possible that you wake up several mornings a week having pulled a muscle in your neck? Are you sleepwalking downstairs and doing some advanced yoga? You hope not, as you don’t know any yoga. Which might also explain why your body is so worryingly tense.

Burning your mouth with cheese

You are well aware that cheese which has come straight out of the oven is hotter than the surface of the sun and will burn you. And yet, every time, you can’t stop yourself ramming it in your gob, where it sticks to the roof of your mouth, burns off your tastebuds, and generally destroys everything in its path like delicious napalm.

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