Couple fall in love over shared hatred of salsa

A MAN and woman who began salsa dancing to meet a new partner have fallen deeply in love over what bullshit salsa dancing is. 

Tom Booker and Carolyn Ryan bonded during their first lesson when Booker whispered ‘I fucking hate this bollocks’ into her ear while they danced.

She said: “When the lights went up at the end of the session we were catching each others’ eye and mouthing ‘Wankers’ at the other students.

“And in the bar afterwards we sat apart from everyone else, because they were all twats, and talked for hours about how salsa’s no better than bloody ballroom dancing but everyone’s bought into this idea that it’s cool.

“He asked me out for a non-salsa evening the next night, which is exactly the kind of thing I love to do, and well, it went on from there. With actual sex. Not bullshit pretend-sexy salsa.”

Booker said: “When she flicked the instructor Vs behind his back, I knew I’d found my soulmate.

“And she fucking hates Breaking Bad! We were meant to be together.”

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Woman pretending she's not in department store just to do a shit

A WOMAN is pretending to be browsing the floors of a department store while actually plotting a course for their toilets, she has confessed.

Joanna Kramer desperately needed to use the facilities but has sauntered there in a manner that has staff convinced she is genuinely interested in that Karen Millen knit dress.

She said: “Yes, lovely boots, lovely bags, quick glance upwards to check I’m still on the right track, Christ I’m desperate, what a delightful display of watches.

“If you’re in Burger King straining for a dump they’ll notice, plus they sometimes have codes. But in here if you finger too many Canada Goose coats security start watching you. Chill out mate, I’m not stealing anything. I just need a go on one of your porcelain thrones.”

Kramer added: “Try not to look at the price tags, though. There’s nothing like holding up a perfectly ordinary jumper and discovering it costs nine hundred quid to make you clench inside.

“Still it was worth it. And they gave me a free perfume sample on the way out. Almost as if they knew.”