Couple on verge of split over whose parents are worse

A COUPLE are on the brink of breaking up over a disagreement about who has the most awful parents.

James Bates was thinking of proposing to partner Donna Sheridan before she made an offhand remark about his parents being ‘batshit f**king mental’.

Bates said: “Donna reckons my parents are terrible people because my dad thinks Nigel Farage seems like a top bloke and my mum told everyone in her knitting group when we were having sexual problems.

“Yes, accurate, but I couldn’t take that from someone whose mum puts tomatoes in fish pie and dad bores me about annuities to the point that I want to slit my wrists.

“We had an enormous row where I accused her of being the unstable spawn of a pair of semi-alcoholics and she told me I was a needy, emasculated mummy’s boy.”

However, Bates and Sheridan came to realise how much they do actually like each other’s parents when they started looking at how much deposit they will need to buy a flat.

Sheridan said: “If they’re prepared to chip in fifteen grand and get us on the housing ladder, that would be amazing. And I’ll just have to call James’ mum an overbearing fascist bitch under my breath.”

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What f**king irritating noise is your partner making today?

LOVE is eternal and so is the infuriating sound of your partner going about their daily life. Which noise is worst today?


Mastication is the CD Satan plays in hell. The law should be updated to include listening to your partner loudly consuming a lasagne as reasonable grounds for divorce.

Loading the dishwasher

Your partner is not capable of normal dishwasher-loading but instead employs a passive-aggressive style with lots of deliberate crashing sounds, specifically designed to make you suffer every crash when you’re trying to ignore it and be selfish on your phone.

Talking on the phone

Yes, OK, they’re working to earn money to pay the mortgage, but can’t they do it entirely silently? Do they really have to use the phrase ‘end of play’? And did you actually hear an obsequious work laugh chosen to signal subservience to an office alpha?


Definitive proof that evil exists, because the person making the noise gets to sleep oblivious, while you grind your teeth into your pillow, fantasise about kicking them ferociously in the shins and then settling for a hard elbow to the gut until they grunt and shift and, for a few moments, stop.

Singing, humming, or whistling

In their mind your partner is Mariah Carey, casually chirping out a few melodious bars as they go about their daily business. In your mind they are Katie Price murdering ‘A Whole New World’, and deserve to be murdered in turn.


No one can help sneezing, it’s a natural human process. But they can help embellishing their sneezing with an ear-splittingly loud noise that falls somewhere between a shout and a guard-dog’s bark of alarm, followed by lot of irritating sniffing.

Farting in another room

While theoretically discreet, your partner is unaware that, due to the low-quality sound insulation in your home, you can hear this as clearly as if they are sitting next to you saying, ‘Want to be put off shagging me forever?’