Couple wants to know why you're doing literally anything in same year they're getting married 

A COUPLE are keen to know why you would organise an event or big life change when you know very well that they are getting married this year. 

Joe Turner and Sophie Rodriguez are furious that other people are having babies, finding new jobs or getting engaged when everybody’s attention should be on their upcoming wedding.

Rodriguez said: “What the hell do they think they’re doing? It’s massively disrespectful for them to continue living their lives.

“The fact that my cousin will be five months pregnant during the most important day of my life is yet another attempt by selfish people in my family to steal my thunder.

“Why couldn’t she just stop trying for a year or so? Let me have my moment before she has hers? It’s not that much to ask, even if she has had fertility trouble or whatever.”

Friend Francesca Johnson says the couple’s attitude has encouraged her to try to upstage the event by any means necessary.

She commented: “I’m going to get my boyfriend to propose as they walk down the aisle, pretend to go into labour when they cut the cake, and announce that I have three months to live during the first dance.

“Hopefully that will be enough but, if not, I’ll also spill the beans on the groom’s affair.”

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How to make small talk at an awkward family party, by Prince Andrew

IN my experience, family parties can be chilly affairs where nobody wants to talk to you. Here’s how to break the ice.

Ask open-ended questions

I have found that yes or no questions like ‘do you hate me?’ and ‘please can I keep living in the Royal Lodge?’ only bring conversations to a juddering halt. Instead, you should ask open-ended questions like ‘so how long until I return to royal duties?’ or ‘what else do I need to do for you to forgive me?’. They encourage a longer reply and you’re less likely to be told to piss off.

Avoid the news

Discussing the news is guaranteed to bring the mood down. It’s all cost of living this and Ukraine that, which is a major buzz kill. I find it’s best to completely avoid politics, religion and world events, and would even go so far as to deter family members from engaging with current affairs altogether. Especially if it’s f**king Newsnight.

Bring up the black sheep of the family

Every family has a disgrace they love to bitch about, so drop their name into conversation and get people talking. My family’s a notoriously squeaky clean bunch, but even we have a shameful stray who’s f**ked off abroad and spat on everything he’s been given. I like to bring him up at every opportunity as somehow him marrying an American makes me look good by comparison. According the the Daily Mail, at least.

Suck up to the most powerful person

Still struggling to strike up a conversation? Track down the most powerful person in your family and brown nose them like your life depends on it. If you can win them over then there’s a chance that everyone who has you in their bad books might come around. And if that doesn’t work, go moping back to the one person who continues to support you for no explicable reason. Mine’s called Fergie.

Remember you’re the favourite

The key to making small talk is being confident, so I like to boost my spirits by reminding myself that I was mummy’s favourite. Everyone loved her and she was always right about everything, so that must mean I’m really special and don’t deserve to be hidden away anymore. In fact, I should have been the monarch, instead of King Sausage Fingers. Why is life so endlessly unfair?