A VITAL research project where scientists drank beer and had sex with partners of below-average attractiveness has proved beer goggles to be a myth.
A team of scientists received £1.2m in public funding to undertake the research, which saw them spend night after gruelling night in provincial nightclubs drinking Fosters before engaging in coitus with women they did not much fancy.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s taken its toll. I used to be pretty drunk after four pints. Now I can sink 12 and still give a steg a proper seeing-to.
“For our research to be valid it had to be undertaken in real-world conditions. We’ve been up and down the country, from pubs in Redditch to nightclubs in Crewe, setting ourselves a minimum limit of five pints before we even look at a woman.
“Christ, the shags we’ve had in the name of science, beer sloshing around in our bellies while a dinner lady climbs aboard and takes a ride. The damp-stained wallpaper we’ve had spinning around us.
“But it was all worth it because we’ve proved beer goggles aren’t real and actually what takes place is that men, after a certain point of drunkenness, stop lying to themselves and admit they’ll shag anything.
“That couldn’t possibly have been discovered without such extensive research. I’m basically the Wetherspoons Oppenheimer. Anyone up for a pint?”
