Six years of research sending tanked-up scientists to shag munters proves beer goggles are a myth

A VITAL research project where scientists drank beer and had sex with partners of below-average attractiveness has proved beer goggles to be a myth.

A team of scientists received £1.2m in public funding to undertake the research, which saw them spend night after gruelling night in provincial nightclubs drinking Fosters before engaging in coitus with women they did not much fancy.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s taken its toll. I used to be pretty drunk after four pints. Now I can sink 12 and still give a steg a proper seeing-to.

“For our research to be valid it had to be undertaken in real-world conditions. We’ve been up and down the country, from pubs in Redditch to nightclubs in Crewe, setting ourselves a minimum limit of five pints before we even look at a woman.

“Christ, the shags we’ve had in the name of science, beer sloshing around in our bellies while a dinner lady climbs aboard and takes a ride. The damp-stained wallpaper we’ve had spinning around us.

“But it was all worth it because we’ve proved beer goggles aren’t real and actually what takes place is that men, after a certain point of drunkenness, stop lying to themselves and admit they’ll shag anything.

“That couldn’t possibly have been discovered without such extensive research. I’m basically the Wetherspoons Oppenheimer. Anyone up for a pint?”

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The man's guide to surviving eye contact with a breastfeeding woman

ACCIDENTALLY locked eyes with a woman with her boob out and don’t know what to do? Follow this guide:


There you are, gazing dumbly around while waiting to order a flat white, when you make eye contact with a breastfeeding woman. Once you register what is happening, you immediately go bright red like an 80s teenager caught staring at a top shelf magazine, which you know is very much the wrong response, so you panic even more and go even redder.

Quickly look away…

OK, so, despite the beetroot face, you aren’t some weirdo who loses their shit when seeing a breast in public, and certainly not when it’s got a baby attached to it, so you definitely aren’t going to stare. After locking eyes and blushing, you must look away immediately as you really like this cafe and getting arrested for being a pervert would mean you could never come in again.

…but in the most casual way possible

On the other hand, you don’t want the breastfeeding woman to think you are in any way phased by the beautiful, natural process she’s engaged in, as you’re a sensitive, modern man. Rather than whipping your head around instantly, give her a supportive smile first. She definitely won’t think you’re a horrible creep who is invading her space.

Make a comment about someone else staring

While you are totally cool with this display of maternal care, the bloke in front of you in the queue keeps turning round and looking. As a feminist, you find his boorish leering disgusting and tell him to stop staring. He retorts that it’s the first time his partner and baby son have been out in public so he’s naturally worried. Then asks what the f**k you think you’re doing accusing him of being a wrong ‘un before quietly but threateningly asking if you want to take this outside.

Run for it

Despite your best efforts, you’ve dealt with this situation very badly. Cut your losses and leg it from the queue, then later Google how long women usually breastfeed for and resign yourself to not returning to that particular coffee shop for between six months and two years, in case it should happen again.