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Man not sure if he is stuck in a Groundhog Day scenario or just middle-aged

A MAN is unsure whether he is living out the plot of the 1993 film Groundhog Day or if he is just trapped the dull and repetitive cycle of being 46 years old.

Martin Bishop does exactly the same soul-suckingly dull things every day and even the weekends do not seem to break the crushing tedium of his pitiful existence.

Bishop said: “Surely no one’s life can be this mind-numbingly mundane. The alarm goes off at the same time every day, I go to work on the same bus, sit at the same desk, perform the same tasks and feel the same feelings of hatred for my colleagues.

“Then I go home and have the same argument with my wife, before watching the same TV shows. I mean, it must be the same episode of Masterchef they’ve been playing on repeat for the past 17 years, right? It never changes.

“Is this it now until I retire at 70 and get settled into another, even more boring routine that I do until I die? No wonder Bill Murray got really angry and smashed his alarm clock. And, no disrespect, but my wife’s not exactly Andie MacDowell.”

Bishop’s wife Helen said: “He should have an affair. That’s what I’ve done to escape his repetitive whining about how bored he is, and I’m having a whale of a time.”

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Why you should stop what you're doing and form an opinion about Ulez, by a Londoner

DON’T drive? Not in London? It doesn’t matter. This is why you must cease your provincial nonsense and immediately form an opinion about Ulez expansion:

It affects the nation’s capital

This isn’t a trifling concern taking place in some backwater like Birmingham or Sheffield. No. It’s happening in London, that last bastion of all that is pure and good. If, heaven forbid, the capital of this great country becomes an extortionate, inhospitable hell hole, what would happen to Britain?

Up to 10 per cent of motorists in the city’s outer regions will be impacted

Imagine it. A relatively small number of people driving old diesel cars around Romford will be forced to pay £12.50 or buy a new one. If they can’t afford either then there’s only a sprawling, massively subsidised public transport system to fall back on. Makes your little problems with low wages and unemployment look like nothing, doesn’t it?

There’s no telling where the madness of clean air will end

Now that London has fallen to the tyranny of Sadiq Khan and his despotic plot to make children breathe clean air, what’s next? Will the rest of the country be forced to implement clean air zones? What do you mean, there are already several? Well why hasn’t the media covered them, then?

It’s a war on innocent motorists

They’re already charged more for their diesel, and now they’re being charged to drive? Just because pollution is killing a trifling 4,000 people a year? What next? Enforcing safety regulations? Clearing shit out of rivers? When will this fascist nightmare end?

The Resistance has begun

Unlike Just Stop Oil, who should be crushed by the law, the Ulez Resistance are heroes. Cutting wires, blocking cameras, refusing to put up signs: finally revolutionaries have arrived that the Daily Mail approves of. Do you want to tell your children ‘First, they came for the drivers of 12-year-old Kia Sportages, and I did nothing’?

The fate of the next election hangs in the balance

If the recent by-election in Uxbridge and South Ruislip is anything to go by, Ulez could swing the whole nation behind the Tories. That’s assuming the rest of the country has the same attitudes as a outer London constituency that elected Boris Johnson for years and is narrowly within the Ulez. And why wouldn’t it?

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