Man who pretended to like astrology to get laid had no idea how deep this shit goes

A MAN who claimed to be passionate about astrology to impress a date was unaware of how deep the astrological rabbit-hole goes. 

Jack Browne, aged 23, slipped a white lie about being ‘bang into horoscopes’ into conversation with date Grace Wood-Morris, unprepared for the onslaught of lore he was about to face.

He said: “I told her I was a Taurus, which is like hard-headed and logical and that. I do sometimes scan Mystic Meg in the Sun if I’ve read all the football.

“Then she asked for my sun, moon and rising signs, and I was already in over my head. I had to Google what the f**k a ‘retrograde’ is in the loo. I don’t know how long I can be expected to keep this up.

“I had no idea bullshit could get this complicated. Earth’s involved, wind and fire are involved, Neptune’s in the fourth house and there’s something going on with property, even though I’ve told her I’m renting.

“It’s absolutely mental and more incomprehensible than later Harry Potter films. Still, I reckon I’ve bluffed well enough to get a shag out of it.”

Wood-Morris said: “Shag him? A Taurus? When I’m Sagittarius? Doesn’t he realise we’re quincunx?”

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'Where did Napoleon keep his armies? Boulogne': a joke book for pedantic knobheads

PREFER pedantry to humour? Keep being told jokes that rely on inaccuracies or deliberate misunderstandings? Shut them down with these answers: 

‘Where did Napoleon keep his armies?’

Initially, the Grand Armée, as it became called, was garrisoned at Boulogne ahead of an aborted attempt to invade Britain. He may have been foolish enough to invade Russia but he knew better than to take us on. Are you particularly interested in military history?

‘How do you make a Swiss roll?’

Mix sugar, eggs and flour together, bake for 12 minutes on 180C, spread jam or cream filling for preference, then roll carefully into a tube.

‘Why did the chicken cross the road?’

Perhaps he just wanted to use the new pedestrian crossing on the A257. However, chickens generally steer clear of the highway in favour of a more bucolic setting, and are also famously inscrutable in regard to their motives.

‘An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar…’

Given their spread of national backgrounds and resulting general knowledge, they have a decent chance of scoring well in the pub quiz. I, however, will win.

‘A horse walks into a bar…’

The barman says: ‘I’m astonished to witness a horse here on account of the steps up to the relatively small door and the fact horses have an enzyme that breaks alcohol down extremely quickly, meaning it’s difficult for them to get drunk.’

My dog’s got no nose. How does he smell?

Dogs smell extremely well, with up to 300 million olfactory receptors compared to humanity’s five million. However without a nose the dog is virtually blind and should be put to sleep.

What do you call a man with a spade on his head?

His name. The spade is irrelevant.

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the toilet?

Pterodactyls lived about 165 to 66 million years ago, and the first toilets were thought to have been invented only about 5,000 years ago, so pterodactyls died out approximately 65,995,000 years before toilets existed. 65,999,752 years for flush toilets.

What was ET short for?

Extra Terrestrial. The film is actually titled ET the Extra Terrestrial. From the Latin root of ‘extra’ for outside and ‘terra’ for Earth.

How do you tell the difference between a weasel and a stoat?

Weasels tend to be slightly smaller and more slender than stoats. When weasels run, they generally stay close to the ground, whereas stoats have more of a bounding action.

What’s brown and sticky?

A number of things, including but not limited to parcel tape, Afghan heroin, and Manuka honey. However, since the answer is meant to elicit humour, the answer is: a turd.