Friend’s other friends worst people imaginable

A WOMAN meeting the other close friends of a person she dearly cares about was horrified to discover they are all inconceivably dreadful.

Joanna Kramer was looking forward to meeting the social circle of her funny, considerate, and kind friend Lucy Parry only to find they are atrocious bellends to a man.

Joanna said: “Lucy and I have known each other for years, have deep, intelligent conversations and share values. So it’s a shock to find her other mates are knobheads.

“Seriously. Macca’s a drug-dealing DJ, Chris obsessively collects and talks about collecting Funko Pops, and Steph has a tattoo of Morgan Freeman on her inner thigh. It’s not finished because she ran out of money. Six years ago.

“They shouted obnoxious things that are apparently in-jokes but sound like the ravings of a washed-up internet celebrity. Steph asked if anyone would mind if she pissed in the bin. Macca got a bag of speed out. Then Lucy showed up and acted like this was normal.

“She asked what was up, I told her, and she laughed it off and said that’s just how they are and I’d get used to them. I said I’d rather get used to syphilis which she immediately repeated to her mates as if they’d find it hilarious. They didn’t.

“Our friendship is clearly some kind of strange alchemy that only works one-on-one. Which explains why she called my book club mates ‘pretentious f**king wankers’.”

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No sympathy for bastards stuck on holiday

ANYONE forced to stay a few extra days in Ibiza or Crete because of air traffic control delays is receiving no sympathy whatsoever. 

Across the world, flight disruption has seen thousands of Britons trapped in idyllic holiday locations against their will sipping cocktails, watching sunsets and complaining about it on social media.

Van driver Tom Logan said: “You’re stranded in Madrid? Well my heart f**king bleeds.

“These people have had a bonus citybreak added to their beach holiday, and they expect us to feel sorry for them? What next, a comforting hand around their shoulder because they’ve got extra fries in their McDonald’s bag?

“I’m having to do Dave’s shift while he tops up his tan in Marmaris but he’s acting the victim because, and I quote, ‘we’ve been in the airport for 36 hours now’?

“Ever heard of taxis, mate? Pop over to the beach, rent a sunbed on the airline’s dollar, enjoy good fortune while it smiles on you. Who wouldn’t want more holiday?”

He added: “Slacking off I call it. I’ve told the boss to fire him.”