'If only there were more bank holidays', says man yet to realise he can pull a sickie whenever he wants

A MAN mourning the last of the summer bank holidays has not discovered he can make any weekend three days long simply by lying.

Investment broker Ryan Whittaker admitted to friends he had really enjoyed the three day weekend and that it was a shame there would be no more this year, to their bemusement.

He said: “I looked at my calendar and sighed. No more getting happily drunk on a Sunday knowing there was no work tomorrow. ‘We should have one for Halloween,’ I said, then my mate Andy called me a f**king idiot.

“He said, ‘Why do you think I’ve had four Mondays and three Fridays off in eight months? You didn’t think I was genuinely ill, you credulous prick?’ I was dumbfounded.

“Turns out everyone’s having three-day weekends all over the place using this thing called a ‘sickie’, where you call work claiming you’re ill but – get this – you’re not.

“You can use it whenever you fancy a day off, do a couple of days if you’re really not in the mood, and all you have to do is come up with a shameful, disgusting list of symptoms. A small price to pay.

“I reckon this could be even better than bank holidays. You choose when you have it, all the shops are open, it’s amazing. Workplaces should tell everyone about it.”

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Why your ex's nice new girlfriend is actually a complete twat

YOUR ex-boyfriend has found a lovely new woman, everyone says so, and you’d definitely be pleased for him if she wasn’t actually a massive bitch. Here’s why: 

She thinks she’s better than you

Just because your ex started dating her after you, she’s convinced she’s the ‘upgrade’. She swans around on Insta acting like she’s the iPhone 14 and you’re the 6S. There’s no outward indication that she feels this way because she’s buried it deep inside, but it’s unmistakable if you know where to look.

She’s fake

Nobody is that happy all the time. All that smiling, ‘being nice’, and taking an interest in your ex’s sister’s shitty Etsy business only demonstrates that she is a skilled and practiced deceiver, like one of these fraudsters on Netflix. Her boobs are probably implants too.

She has a high-flying job

That might seem like a bonus, but inevitably that’s the kind of job that requires her to fly to a business meeting in Frankfurt at a moment’s notice, even if currently she’s based in Tring. Has she ever even considered the impact of her career on the environment? Selfish bint. And she’ll have affairs with men called Dieter.

She’s vegan

The holier-than-thou cow’s vegan, which might offset the flights you imagine she takes, but consider this – how hard is that on other people, always having to accommodate her dietary requirements? It’s despicable behaviour, redolent of a psychopath.

She volunteers at an animal shelter

Nobody’s that nice. Serial killers always go too far because they get off on not getting caught, and this is where she’s given herself away. Turning up every weekend helping those dogs? A front. It’s either drug dealing or human trafficking. Somebody should tell him.

She’s with your ex

How is that fair? You were ready for him to come crawling back or be miserable forever or to date someone way, way worse, but this bitch struts in and dates him as if he’s emotionally available and ready to commit? Who the f**k does she think she is? What does she see in that stupid, lovely, gorgeous twat?