Reports on health risks of ultra-processed food give man craving for Subway

THE health risks posed by ultra-processed foods have left a man hungry for a footlong Meatball Marinara, it has emerged.

Studies showing that consumption of ultra-processed foods raises the risk of heart attacks and strokes caused Wayne Hayes’s saliva to start flowing, his stomach to rumble and his thoughts turn to lunch.

He said: “Mozzarella, cheddar or American cheese? That’s the real question.

“Do they think we eat this shit under the illusion it’s good for us? I’m surprised it’s only that harmful. They could have told me it causes fatal prolapses in 85 per cent of consumers and I’d believe it. They taste that good.

“What else am I supposed to eat anyway? A sausage roll from Greggs? A Ginsters pasty? McDonald’s? It’s all processed. Processed to make it absolutely f**king delicious.

“Apparently even yogurt and cereal bars and soup are processed, so what hope is there? I can’t eat healthily no matter how I try. They’ve got my arteries surrounded.

“I’m leaving this to the scientists to solve while I stuff my face with indeterminable meat matter wedged between white bread. Might as well get a Coke and cookie while I’m there.”

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Village incredibly proud of local celebrity who got out of there the moment he f**king could

THE residents of the village which a famous actor was born in, raised in and left forever the moment he was able to are still incredibly proud of him. 

Actor Clive Owen comes from an unremarkable village in Warwickshire which he has never acknowledged or spoken of publicly, which has not affected villagers’ unrequited love affair with him spanning more than three decades.

Among the tributes are a blue plaque on the wall of the school he attended, a walking tour which runs every first Sunday of the month from May to August depending on interest, and an annual competition for children to create a diorama based on his films.

Local councillor Susan Traherne said: “He’s never really spoken about his home village, or how much he cherishes the time he spent here, or how formative and important it was, but that’s just to protect our privacy.

“He might live in Los Angeles now, and London before that, and he’s not had anything to do with us since 1984, but that doesn’t make this connection we feel to him any less real.

“We’ve asked him to turn on the Christmas lights every year since 1990 and never received a response from his agent, but that’s just to build our anticipation.

“We’ll sure he’ll come back one day. We’ll wait for him. And until then we’ll milk it for all it’s worth.”