THE health risks posed by ultra-processed foods have left a man hungry for a footlong Meatball Marinara, it has emerged.
Studies showing that consumption of ultra-processed foods raises the risk of heart attacks and strokes caused Wayne Hayes’s saliva to start flowing, his stomach to rumble and his thoughts turn to lunch.
He said: “Mozzarella, cheddar or American cheese? That’s the real question.
“Do they think we eat this shit under the illusion it’s good for us? I’m surprised it’s only that harmful. They could have told me it causes fatal prolapses in 85 per cent of consumers and I’d believe it. They taste that good.
“What else am I supposed to eat anyway? A sausage roll from Greggs? A Ginsters pasty? McDonald’s? It’s all processed. Processed to make it absolutely f**king delicious.
“Apparently even yogurt and cereal bars and soup are processed, so what hope is there? I can’t eat healthily no matter how I try. They’ve got my arteries surrounded.
“I’m leaving this to the scientists to solve while I stuff my face with indeterminable meat matter wedged between white bread. Might as well get a Coke and cookie while I’m there.”
