Every theft must be investigated in case it's an immigrant, says Braverman

THE home secretary has ruled that every burglary, car theft and stolen bicycle must be investigated in case it leads to a precious, wonderful deportation. 

Police no longer investigate the majority of thefts because, in a world where every digital device can be tracked, doorbell cameras record every intruder and the majority of stolen goods are openly sold online, finding the culprits is practically impossible.

But the home secretary has insisted there is no such thing as a minor crime when it is committed by an immigrant who could be sent back to a country they have not lived in for 30 years, or possibly Rwanda.

Braverman said: “This is what I call common-sense policing. Back to basics policing. Non-white get-them-on-a-flight policing.

“It stands to reason that most crimes are committed by immigrants. Otherwise, why would decent Tory voters despise them so much? These aren’t irrational people.

“From now on the police must follow every reasonable line of inquiry that leads to a flight overseas. Whether it’s a stolen phone that sends an Albanian home or a passing spliff that deports a Windrush-era Jamaican, we want Britain to know that every immigrant counts.”

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Man forced to watch period drama that doesn't even have tits in

A MAN has been tricked into watching a historical drama that is not even one of the good ones with heaving bosoms and period-accurate lesbian threesomes. 

Julian Cook reluctantly agreed to watch Peterloo on the basis that it would no doubt feature repressed but sexy women giving in to their forbidden urges with plenty of gasping and lingering tit shots, and was sorely disappointed.

He said: “History’s boring, but sometimes it can be hot. So, assuming it was a raunchy adaptation of the kind that gets the Daily Mail fulminating about licence fees, I signed up.

“But it turned out to be all about some riot in Manchester for more democracy, and that’s a tough wank. Can a drama really be historically accurate if it ignores all spankings, nude romps and adulterous scenes, preferably featuring Jenna Coleman?

“An hour in and there wasn’t a single rump gyrating by candlelight. I got momentarily hopeful when the neighbour out of Shameless turned up but not one boob.

“Was it too much to hope for even one scene of a corset being ripped open or a young fop visiting a brothel for his first threesome? It would have added to the story, whatever the story was. I pay my licence fee to be kept informed of such important historical facts.”

Wife Keeley Cook said: “Yeah, it was shit. Nobody emerged shirtless from a lake wearing leather breeches in two f**king hours.”