Spanish FA boss reluctantly agrees to kiss the rest of team

SPANISH FA president Luis Rubiales has agreed to kiss all the rest of the girls on his country’s World Cup-winning football team if that will make them happy.  

Rubiales has reluctantly accepted that he upset the squad by kissing forward Jenni Hermoso on the lips during celebrations, making the other players jealous that she was his favourite.

He said: “Girls. Calm down. There is plenty of Rubiales to go around.

“Why are women like this? One of their number is blessed by my lips and the bitchiness and the ostracism begins. Why can you not just be pleased for Jenni for being so favoured?

“Instead the whole incredible story of your World Cup victory, which really should have been the focus of this last week, has been overshadowed by ‘she was kissed on the lips by the handsome man and I wasn’t’. It really proves women are not suited to sport.

“But yes, okay, to end all the envy and backbiting and frosty silences that poor Jenni is suffering I will make this right by kissing all of you. Please, form a queue at my hot tub.”

He added: “I hear in England their run to the final has been eclipsed by the goalkeeper being furious about her outfit. Women.”

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Guinness World Record holders mainly weird freaks

GUINNESS World Record holders are not glamorous heroes but weird freaks who live with their parents, it has emerged.

Despite the TV show Record Breakers convincing generations of children that activities like solving the most Rubik’s cubes while skateboarding are impressive achievements, they have instead been confirmed as evidence of an empty and wasted life.

An adjudicator from Guinness World Records said: “We’ve spent decades pretending that holding a record for a pursuit like ‘Longest distance travelled with pool cue balanced on chin’ is something to aspire to, but the truth is it’s not. Record holders are total weirdos who only do this stuff because they don’t have any friends.

“When you really think about it, owning the world’s largest collection of hamburger-related memorabilia is f**king strange and should not be considered impressive. Being a human rights lawyer or an Olympic athlete is impressive. Blowing a pea 17 miles on your hands and knees is not.

“I’ve been doing this job for 20 years. Where’s my world record for longest time putting up with a bunch of total f**king freaks, huh?”

Roy Hobbs, who holds the world record for largest sculpture made of lard, said: “I honestly thought this accomplishment would mean I’d never have to work again. But actually, I eat from bins.”