How many people have f**ked on that mattress? Holiday rental questions not to consider

HOLIDAY rentals are often shabby and strange, but you’ll put up with anything if it’s cheap enough. Here are some questions about them that should stay unanswered:

How many people have f**ked on that mattress?

The sheets look quite clean, but it’s probably best not to look beneath them as you might find some suspicious stains that you will struggle to forget. In fact, definitely don’t venture there, or you’ll feel too squeamish to even lie down on it, let alone take your clothes off and have a shag yourselves.

How many people know how to get in here?

Even though it’s an isolated area, it was so easy to find the property, and the key was under a very obvious pot outside the porch. In fact, the back door doesn’t actually seem to lock. So just how many other people know this, and are they likely to have murderous tendencies? The locals definitely look a bit odd.

Who last cleaned the dishes?

A quick look at the welcome note lets you know that you should clean the dishes before you leave. Which means that other guests have previously been responsible for cleaning the dishes, who may be slovenly bastards with very low standards. The first plate you pull out of the cupboard has clear remnants of egg yolk on it, so you now have to wash every single item in the kitchen.

What’s in those weird locked cupboards?

It’s probably just cleaning supplies, or bits that the owners have left to store here. Almost certainly nothing sinister, like rope or super-strength bin bags or several rolls of duct tape. Will you still give the door a go to see if you can open it? Absolutely. You’ll even have a thorough search around for a key.

Is that my pube in the shower?

You already know the answer. You haven’t been in the shower yet, so whatever is in there has been left behind by the previous occupants. The thought of dealing with it makes you retch a bit, so stop looking at it and hope it washes away.

Where are the recycling bins?

The age old question in every holiday rental, and one that never has a simple answer. After trying for ages to find them and interrogating the neighbours, you’ll end up having to put everything in the general waste anyway, so save yourself the time and energy and sling it all in the main bin from day one.

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Toothpaste, and other products where we don't need that much f**king choice

TOOTHPASTE has one purpose, so why do we need so many versions? Here are some other products which offer far too much choice:


There is simply no need for Colgate to offer 50 types of toothpaste which all look and taste the same. Do you want Advanced White, Advanced White Triple Action, or Advanced White Quadruple Super Mega Explosion? Depends how much money you’re willing to blow on minty white gunk.


Speaking of white gunk, there are also too many condoms to choose from. Ultra-thin for increased sensation or ultra-thick for extended pleasure? Lubricated or non-lubricated? With or without spermicide? Then you’ve got to battle with ribbed, dotted, flavoured or glow-in-the-dark? You briefly wonder if vaginas have tastebuds until you remember about blowjobs.


It used to be simple: bog-standard tomato was the only choice. Until Heinz brought out something called Mayochup and the whole condiments industry lost its mind. Now you can have weird hybrid sauces called MayoCue, MayoMust and even Kranch, which is ketchup mixed with ranch sauce, but sounds like a character from Star Trek. Christ, it’s enough to force you into enjoying HP.


You’ve got a hangover and you’re in Tesco. You can pay 30p for the own-brand painkillers or you can shell out £3.99 for some Nurofen, which must be more effective because it’s more expensive. Or maybe you should choose Nurofen Plus or Panadol Advance or Anadin Extra or Nuromol Dual Action. It’s all made from exactly the same ingredients, but the choice is so overwhelming that you leave without anything because your headache cure is giving you a headache.


Shampoo brands make wild claims about what their product can do for your hair, but ultimately it’s bullshit that it can protect colour, tame frizz or, if you’re a sad, deluded man, stop you from going bald. It’s just soap, at the end of the day, so stop wasting your hard-earned cash on the fancy kinds and spend it on something worthwhile, like booze.


In the 80s, the only two types of coffee you could make in your own home were Kenco and Gold Blend. It was easy. Now, you can choose from filter coffee, cafetière coffee, pod coffee, cold-pressed coffee and many more. And all you get after the faff of making it is a cup of nasty bitter liquid. Should have just stuck with the freeze-dried stuff, you wanky twats.