Boyfriend's shoulder massage causes extensive muscular damage

A SHOULDER massage that was sold as being ‘relaxing’ has caused numerous muscular injuries, it has emerged.

Stephen Malley offered partner Emma Bradford a back rub to help her unwind after a stressful day at work, but instead left her feeling like she had been trampled by an angry shire horse.

Bradford said: “Well, that’s a mistake I won’t make again. I can’t move my right arm and it feels like Steve might’ve bruised between one and three of my vertebrae.

“I should probably have told him to stop, but the novelty of him doing something thoughtful for me meant I couldn’t bear to, even as I could feel the muscles between my shoulder blades being strained by his massive, oafish hands.

“Now I can’t stand up straight and will have to spend the best part of a hundred quid on an appointment with an osteopath to put right the damage Steve has done. I should have gone to a professional, rather than a man who learned everything he knows from a Pornhub video titled ‘Sexy massage with horny babes’.”

Malley said: “I only offered because I thought it might lead to sex, but, given the job I’ve done, I’m not going to see so much as a hand job until October.”

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34-year-old realises he's easily the oldest and most desperate man in the nightclub

IT has dawned on a 34-year-old man that he is by far the most ancient and desperate person in a heaving night club.

Tom Booker became aware of his situation after noticing that he could not spot a strange decrepit man standing at the edge of the dance floor eerily watching all the young nubile bodies having a good time.

He said: “Every nightclub has a resident lecherous old timer, but I couldn’t see him because I am him. He is me. I have completed the circle of life.

“Even the bar staff and bouncers are fresh-faced cherubs compared to me. I’m amazed they even let me through the door. Aren’t I cramping everyone’s style with my greying hair and slightly out-of-touch cultural references?

“Compared to their unwrinkled faces with frankly incredible hairlines, I must look like the grim spectre of death. A haunting premonition of the ravages of time that await them. Well, enjoy your youth while you can kids, you’ll be a fossil like me in 10 years.”

Nightclub-goer Kelly Howard, aged 21, said: “I think it’s very important for people of such advanced years to still get out and about. I reckon it stops them going senile, like sudoku.”