Couple who have massive screaming rows believe it's healthy

A COUPLE who regularly have loud, angry arguments and scream ‘I hate you’ believe it is a sign of a healthy relationship. 

Lauren Hewitt and Jordan Gardner pity couples who do not slam doors, threaten to burn each other’s clothes and shout ‘F**k you bitch’ outside pubs, because their love is clearly not strong enough.

Lauren said: “Our friends Jim and Georgia barely ever have rows. She saw me yelling ‘I hope you f**king die, you dickless freak’ at Jordan and was all like ‘Oh my God, are you splitting up?’.

“Imagine having a partnership that weak. She says Jim never throws her handbag out into the street at 2am while screaming ‘Whore’, not even after a drink. That’s a love that’s afraid to be tested.

“It’s because me and Jord are capable of having a row so vicious that the neighbours call the police that I know we’ll always be together.”

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Locked-down students breaking up with long-distance partners at record rate

LOCKED-DOWN students are dumping their partners at home or other universities at the rate of one every 45 seconds, it has emerged. 

Students confined to their halls of residence, with only another 200 or so young, attractive and horny people for company, are delivering sad farewells over FaceTime at record rates. 

Grace Wood-Morris of Sussex University said: “You could literally walk down a corridor and hear it happening in every room you passed, the same script in different voices. 

“It’s not you it’s me, I think we need time to grow, it doesn’t seem fair to restrict each other from new experiences. No one says, ‘Oh and also I’ve been banging Sophie from the next kitchen since the first night.’ 

“Boyfriends from home are easier to dump, especially if they’re in locked-down areas so they can’t even make a mad, romantic and unwelcome dash up to see you. 

“But if your partner’s at a different university they’re most likely only on the call to let you down gently and it becomes a desperate race to be the dumper, not the dumpee. 

“My final call to my ex-girlfriend at Durham ended with us simultaneously shouting ‘IT’S OVER’ and slamming our MacBooks shut. I was definitely a tenth of a second faster.”