Six reality-denying reasons Brexit is going really well

IF you have a tenuous grasp of facts and reality then Brexit is going great guns. Here are six deluded reasons why we’re totally smashing the process of leaving the EU.

We’re heading for a fantastic no-deal

This was always the plan from the start, remember? No-deal is the best of the Brexit options because we can trade with whoever we like. We’re already making slow progress with Japan, now we just need to sort all the other countries by January. Easy-peasy.

We’ll get back our British spirit

NHS staff shortages? All those people clapping every Thursday will be rushing to become nurses. If there are food shortages we’ll just grow our own fruit and veg, even if it’s January. It’s just a matter of scattering a few seeds and there’ll be a bountiful harvest in February. 

Europe hates us

Making people hate you is a classic negotiating strategy – it’s very clever reverse psychology. By being really demanding and unreasonable, Europe will do anything to make it end. Why do you think we repeatedly elected an idiot like Nigel Farage into the European Parliament?

We’re breaking international law

This shows everyone that Britain is a rebel without a cause, like James Dean. And who wouldn’t want to be friends with a cool country like that? Let’s live fast and die young – except British exceptionalism means we can choose to live fast and never die at all.

Kent has a border now

Nothing says ‘take back control’ quite like creating an unnecessary border in your own country. To the outside world this might look like poor planning, but slowing down the delivery of food is part of Boris’ plan to make us lose weight. The man’s a genius.

We haven’t solved the backstop yet

Good. This is our ultimate bargaining chip. We can use it to threaten tiny countries like America into doing exactly what we want. And nobody wants to be responsible for breaking up the union. Finding a solution to this problem would be a disaster for Britain.

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Your guide to Rishi Sunak's f**king confusing Job Support Scheme

RISHI Sunak has replaced furlough, which pays you for doing nothing, with the Job Support Scheme that pays you for doing less. But how does it work? 

Can I get paid for not working? 

Not in the pure and wonderful way you have been all summer. Instead you’ll have to do at least a third of your usual hours. We know, right? You used to think Rishi was a good guy but he’s just one more bastard like all the rest. 

Who pays for it? 

Sadly not the UK taxpayer, ie. you but in a few years’ time. Only 22 per cent of your wages will come from the government now, with your employer paying the rest and the final amount only being 77 per cent of your pay. Which is fine because we can all lose a quarter of our pay without even noticing. 

Is everyone eligible? 

Only small and medium-sized companies. Larger ones get nothing unless their turnover has fallen, which is why Sir Philip Green has suddenly declared TopShop to be 300 coincidentally-named quirky independent boutiques. 

Aren’t I going to get fired anyway next year?

Yes. But this way you’ll have a lovely Christmas, unless you’re in a care home, a student trapped in a hall of residence, an unpopular member of a family larger than six, or work in pantomime. 

What about theatres? 

What about f**king theatres? Yes, they’re a far bigger part of the UK’s GDP than the fishermen we’re starting a war for, but actors are luvvies and they’re always putting on Marxist plays. F**k ‘em. They’ll make nice Wetherspoons.