Saturday, 24th October 2020

High-maintenance bastard getting his fourth haircut of the year

A MAN has been to his barber for his fourth haircut of 2020 like the high-maintenance bastard he is, it has emerged.

Pampered narcissist Julian Cook thought nothing of booking a trim, despite the fact that he has already had too many haircuts in the last nine months.

Cook’s barber Stephen Malley said: “He needed a load lopped off after lockdown, which was fair enough, but since then he’s been taking the piss by coming in regularly.

“It’s got to the point where I’m just idly running the clippers over his scalp while looking at my phone. I’m only buzzing off atoms of hair and I don’t even need to sweep up when I’m done.

“When I finish we go through the performance where I hold up the mirror and he tells me it looks good, even though I could’ve shaved ‘twat’ into the back of his head and he’d give it the thumbs up.

“I hope the R rate goes through the roof and there’s a second lockdown purely so I don’t have to see his preening face again for a few months.”

Cook said: “I used to get a haircut at least once a month because Christ knows what would happen if the shaved bits grew slightly. It doesn’t bear thinking about.”