YOUNG people have spent so long not associating with each other that they no longer have the skills to perform sexual intercourse.
To avert a population crisis in the near future, the government is putting emergency measures in place, including public information films and a new Department for Sex, headed by Chris Grayling.
A spokesman said: “We’d recommend asking your parents, or even your grandparents, how to have sex. Ask for tips in technique, maintaining erections and faking orgasms.
“We’re sure that won’t be in any way embarrassing. Your parents probably have some great sex stories you can all sit down and enjoy.
“It’s vital that young people ‘have it away’ with each other in order to boost the flowers, chocolates, wines, hospitality and condom industries. But don’t do it in groups of more than six or you’ll face a fine.
“We’ve also made a series of educational videos designed to appeal to young people, including Yo Get Bonking, by the popular contemporary rap artists Morris Minor and the Majors.”
Young person Ryan Whittaker, 18, said: “I asked my dad for some advice about sex and now he hasn’t come out of the shed for three days.”