Young people have forgotten how to do sex

YOUNG people have spent so long not associating with each other that they no longer have the skills to perform sexual intercourse.

To avert a population crisis in the near future, the government is putting emergency measures in place, including public information films and a new Department for Sex, headed by Chris Grayling.

A spokesman said: “We’d recommend asking your parents, or even your grandparents, how to have sex. Ask for tips in technique, maintaining erections and faking orgasms. 

“We’re sure that won’t be in any way embarrassing. Your parents probably have some great sex stories you can all sit down and enjoy.

“It’s vital that young people ‘have it away’ with each other in order to boost the flowers, chocolates, wines, hospitality and condom industries. But don’t do it in groups of more than six or you’ll face a fine.

“We’ve also made a series of educational videos designed to appeal to young people, including Yo Get Bonking, by the popular contemporary rap artists Morris Minor and the Majors.”

Young person Ryan Whittaker, 18, said: “I asked my dad for some advice about sex and now he hasn’t come out of the shed for three days.”

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The man's guide to commenting on women's bodies online

IT is vital that women know what men on the internet think is wrong with their bodies. Here’s how to go about this noble work.  

Offer constructive criticism

Something you might encounter is women not adhering to unrealistic beauty standards. They may be over a certain arbitrary weight – for example, larger than a professional model – or have common features of the human body, like hair. This is unacceptable, so explain they are too fat or hairy so they can do something about it. They’ll thank your for it later.

Compliment them with sexual comments

If a woman is even slightly curvaceous, it’s your duty to make a grossly inappropriate comment. Compliment them on their ‘funbags’, or boost their self-esteem by saying you would definitely have sex with them. Make sure it is completely unprompted because ladies love surprises.

Police female celebrities ruthlessly

It’s your job to make sure famous women don’t ‘let themselves go’ or show signs of getting older. You’re just generously helping their careers, and rest assured millionaire A-list actors like Kate Beckinsale do diligently take notes from Daily Mail comments. 

Educate lesbians

It’s shocking, but there are women who think they aren’t attracted to men. These ‘lesbians’ obviously just haven’t met the right guy, so help them out. An unsolicited dick pic is a great way of showing them what they’re missing.

Bring them down

If a woman appears to be feeling good about herself, put a stop to it immediately. Also feel free to tell them ‘Men don’t like it when women do that’ if they’re doing something unfeminine like drinking a pint. They’ll appreciate it when they’re not a lonely old spinster in an untidy flat smelling of cat piss.