Do you do oral, and other questions you wish you could ask on a first date

FIRST dates are all about playing it cool and presenting the best version of yourself. But in reality everyone just wants to know the answers to these to-the-point questions.

Do you do oral?

You wish you could slip this question in right after ‘When’s your birthday?’ and ‘Do you have any siblings?’ but manners dictate otherwise. Which is stupid. If that’s what you want, why shouldn’t you be upfront about it? They probably want to know if you’re willing to go down on them too. Maybe hold back all that weird kinky shit you’re into for the second date though.

Any legitimately crazy exes I should know about?

Not those ‘crazy’ ones that dumped your date for perfectly understandable reasons, no. Instead, you want to hear if there are any jealous bunny boilers in their romantic history. The last thing you want is to get attached to someone only to find that you’ll have to fend off a vengeful spurned lover. You’re busy enough with work as it is.

Will you ever become a f**king DJ?

This terrible fate strikes down many a potential romantic interest. Everything will be going well for a few months, if not years, then you’ll notice them start to develop a love for vinyl and catch them watching YouTube videos about turntables. You can’t confront them about this before it happens, though, otherwise you’ll look like a control freak.

Are your parents awful people?

Not just a bit annoying or an acquired taste. Are they terrible people with zero redeeming qualities? After all, if this date goes really well, you’ll end up having to spend a lot of time with them. Some advance warning only seems fair, not least because your date will have inherited some of their flaws.

Seriously, why are you still single?

Asking someone why they’re still single is apparently a dating no-no. Which is a shame, as you’d save yourself time and money if you could ask this before your drinks have arrived, even though they would probably storm out, offended, which wouldn’t help in your search for a lasting relationship. Just assume it’s because of their looks or personality, or both.

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VAR system to be brought in to eliminate VAR errors

A NEW VAR system to correct bad VAR decisions is to be introduced in a bid to eliminate human error from football once and for all.

Officials have confirmed that there will be Video Assistant Referees watching decisions made by Video Assistant Referees who are watching decisions of on-field referees.

FA spokesperson Tom Logan said: “The idea of VAR was to ensure objective truth and put an end to all controversy in football.

“But somehow this hasn’t happened, and we currently have a system that has sucked the joy and spontaneity out of any goal celebration, while being just as error-prone as the bad old days. It’s clear there is only one solution: more VAR.

“Putting up with incredibly lengthy delays while we review every single VAR decision is a price worth paying as our extra tier of scrutiny will ensure the accuracy of marginal factors in offside decisions such as eyelash length.

“Of course, this new VAR system will be run by humans, and therefore not completely infallible, which is why we are developing a new generation of robot analysts to replace them.

“Yes, these robots might develop self-awareness and destroy humanity, but this is a price worth paying to ensure that Marcus Rashford’s nose was definitely onside in the build-up to a goal.”