FEELING anxious or legitimately worried? Don’t worry, your mum has got some no-nonsense advice that won’t help in the least. Here’s how to stop being pathetic.
Having pre-wedding cold feet
You’re terrified you’re about to make a massive, life-altering mistake. Is your mum sympathetic? Is she f**k. She and your dad have spent ten grand on this, everyone’s sitting in the church with fancy hats on and the mobile disco is on its way. So pull yourself together and get out there. She makes it sound like the Somme, which isn’t helpful.
After being made redundant
It was your dream job, the one you’ve been working towards since your GCSEs, and now you’ve been made redundant through no fault of your own. After grilling you for 40 minutes about why you’ve been ‘sacked’, your mum dismisses your pain and adds that she saw they were advertising at the Spar shop when she walked past earlier.
Mid-panic attack
Anxiety? Pfff. They hadn’t invented that in your mum’s day. They were too busy getting on with things to start hyperventilating. They pushed it all deep down inside and ignored it, so take a deep breath, even if you can’t, and get a grip on yourself. If that doesn’t work there’s a cure so effective it’s surprising psychiatrists need to prescribe drugs: a cup of tea with extra sugar.
Just been dumped
Your mum has been married to your dad for so long the concept of heartbreak is completely alien to her, and has little sympathy for your histrionics just because your girlfriend of five years has ditched you. It was probably your fault anyway for being so wet. Yes, Mum. Loving relationships are like a bear attack where you must never show weakness.
Hideously hungover
You have the kind of hangover where you feel like you might have a heart attack if you so much as open your eyes but you promised your mum you’d go to the garden centre with her. She genuinely does not care if you fall down and die beside the water features. You’re going. And that’s that.
