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Everyone polyamorous now except for you

EVERYONE in the world is now polyamorous except for you, it has been confirmed. 

Research has found that the vast majority of people are doing loads of exciting sex stuff with tons of people on a regular basis, and you are not.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “After centuries of monogamy being the only acceptable way to conduct a relationship, people are now happily and consensually playing away from home with other hotties. Apart from you, sadly.

Most of the population is in a polycule of three or more, having thrilling sex with multiple people, while still enjoying the safety and security of a stable relationship.

“We think it really took off after Carol Vorderman outed herself as poly on This Morning. You can’t get more mainstream than Vorders cosily discussing her five partners with Alison Hammond and Dermot O’Leary, can you?

“So now everyone’s at it. That includes your parents, your aunty and uncle, your boss, most of your colleagues, and definitely the ex you still can’t think of shagging someone else without bursting into tears.

“They’re all having an absolutely wild time of it. It’s just you that’s not. Tragic.”

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Five things that only seem like a good idea on a Sunday at 1am

DUE to a quirk in the laws of physics and alcohol, some very stupid ideas make a lot of sense on a Sunday at 1am. Including these:

Buying and eating a kebab

In the cold light of day you can see kebabs for what they really are: f**king disgusting. But at the magical hour of 1am on a Sunday, the warming red glow of the meat grill draws you in like a moth to a fly zapper. No wonder they’re always open so late. It’s the only time people are in enough of an altered state of mind to eat them.

Pissing in a back alley

Traditionally, people relieve themselves in toilets, but that’s not the case first thing on a Sunday. During that time every surface and corner is a loo waiting to happen, with back alleys becoming the most viable option. They’re free and convenient, but do carry the risk of arrest if someone sees you. Which they inevitably will, because you’re so drunk you’re bellowing Sweet Caroline while you wee.

Starting a fight

At any other time, your brain wisely holds you back from saying ‘The f**k you looking at?’ to someone you think you can take. It rationally concludes that would be a dumb thing to do and you would likely lose anyway because look at you. You should listen to your brain. On this rare occasion, it knows what it’s talking about.

Going home with someone you’ve just met

Being led back to the house of an intoxicated person you don’t know the name of is an absurd idea, and for good reason. Even if you’re lucky and there’s the possibility of sex, it’ll be crappy, early morning drunken sex. You’d be better off going home and getting a good night’s sleep in your own bed instead of clumsily rutting for seven minutes and falling asleep with the nagging feeling that you’re going to regret this.

Texting your ex

Sending a quick ‘Hey, how’s it going?’ to your ex is a bad move 24/7. They’ll either ignore you, which is a slow poison in itself, or they’ll reply with the honest truth which is even worse. Do you really want to know how much happier they are now, or hear about the vast amount of mind-blowing sex they’re having? No. You do not.

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