TEXTING your ex is like taking a dump on a train – it rarely works out well. But here are five bullshit reasons you should definitely go for it, right this second.
You’re thinking about them
It’s good to know someone is thinking about you. Which is why you’ve already left your ex 325 voice messages and turned up at their front door four times this week. They’ll feel great about themselves, knowing you still care despite being dumped via Instagram. And if they stupidly decide to rekindle your doomed romance, that’s a bonus that never even crossed your mind.
You want to be friends
When your ex ditched you, they specifically said, ‘I think we should just be friends.’ And friends message each other all the time! Get this brand new friendship off the ground by bombarding your friend with friendly messages asking what they’re up to tonight. Where they are, who they’re with, if you could perhaps swing by for a cry on their shoulder and sexual intercourse, like friends do.
They miss you
During all this silly obsessing over how much you miss them, you’ve been too up your own arse to realise that your ex misses you! That’s why they never call and started dating that girl who’s thinner and more fun than you. It’s clearly just to distract themselves. How sad. Message them immediately to put them out of their misery. It would be selfish not to.
Being drunk is a great motivator for doing many wise things, such as trying your hand at karaoke or taking hallucinogens. Texting your ex is no exception: if ever you were going to do it, now is the moment. You’ve never felt so strong, so free, so completely over them. Hell, instead of texting, why don’t you call? It’s only 1.42am, no one’s in bed by then.
You’re horny, and shagging your ex will be less emotionally complicated than shagging some stranger or friend of a friend. You’ve done it so many times before it’s no different to making them an instant coffee. What’s one more quick shag for the road? Yes, they’re in a new relationship, but you’re hardly planning to take a selfie of them lying in the bed next to you naked and post it on social media are you? Are you? Are you?