Five bullshit reasons you should text your ex

9th December 2022

TEXTING your ex is like taking a dump on a train – it rarely works out well. But here are five bullshit reasons you should definitely go for it, right this second.

You’re thinking about them

It’s good to know someone is thinking about you. Which is why you’ve already left your ex 325 voice messages and turned up at their front door four times this week. They’ll feel great about themselves, knowing you still care despite being dumped via Instagram. And if they stupidly decide to rekindle your doomed romance, that’s a bonus that never even crossed your mind.

You want to be friends

When your ex ditched you, they specifically said, ‘I think we should just be friends.’ And friends message each other all the time! Get this brand new friendship off the ground by bombarding your friend with friendly messages asking what they’re up to tonight. Where they are, who they’re with, if you could perhaps swing by for a cry on their shoulder and sexual intercourse, like friends do.

They miss you

During all this silly obsessing over how much you miss them, you’ve been too up your own arse to realise that your ex misses you! That’s why they never call and started dating that girl who’s thinner and more fun than you. It’s clearly just to distract themselves. How sad. Message them immediately to put them out of their misery. It would be selfish not to.

You’re drunk

Being drunk is a great motivator for doing many wise things, such as trying your hand at karaoke or taking hallucinogens. Texting your ex is no exception: if ever you were going to do it, now is the moment. You’ve never felt so strong, so free, so completely over them. Hell, instead of texting, why don’t you call? It’s only 1.42am, no one’s in bed by then.

You’re horny

You’re horny, and shagging your ex will be less emotionally complicated than shagging some stranger or friend of a friend. You’ve done it so many times before it’s no different to making them an instant coffee. What’s one more quick shag for the road? Yes, they’re in a new relationship, but you’re hardly planning to take a selfie of them lying in the bed next to you naked and post it on social media are you? Are you? Are you?

Six legendary songs with bollocks lyrics

9th December 2022

IT’S weird how some songs are hailed as classics when their slung-together, senseless lyrics would put a five-year-old to shame. Like these piles of mumbo jumbo…

Space Oddity, David Bowie

All Bowie’s lyrics are bollocks, but this hastily-crafted spaceman ditty is up there with the worst offenders. ‘And I think my spaceship knows which way to go’ – er, you’d hope so. As for ‘Planet Earth is blue/ And there’s nothing I can do’, you can only assume Mrs Bowie was putting the tea on the table and it needed wrapping up quickly with any old shite before Dave’s egg and chips got cold.

A Whiter Shade of Pale, Procol Harum

When your band name is pretentious gobbledegook it’s a fair bet the lyrics will follow suit. The opening ‘We skipped the light fandango’ confirms your worst fears, then it’s ‘One of 16 vestal virgins/ Who were leaving for the coast/ And although my eyes were open/ They might have just as well been closed’. You what? Allegedly it’s an account of a drunk, drug-fuelled sexual encounter that somehow went wrong, though it’s so confusing it may as well have been written in Klingon.

I Drove All Night, Roy Orbison

‘I drove all night, crept in your room/ Woke you from your sleep to make love to you/ Is that alright?’ Not really, you sound like a f**king stalker. It’s definitely less romantic if you state plainly what happened: ‘I was so desperate to get my leg over I went on a stupidly long car journey. Yeah, 10 hours, no kidding. Now stop yawning and give me a blowie.’ Also a more realistic ending would be: ‘I fell asleep while irresponsibly night-driving without regular rest breaks, hit a tree and now I’m dead.’

I Am the Walrus, The Beatles

‘I am he as you are he as you are me/ And we are all together/ See how they run like pigs from a gun/ See how they fly/ I’m crying’. You’re not alone, John. Deciphering this gibberish would reduce anyone to tears. Among many other issues, is the average pig sufficiently familiar with firearms to fear them? The opening notes were apparently inspired by Lennon hearing a passing police siren. If they’d only stopped and done him for Class As we could have been spared this lyrical horseshit.

Why Can’t This Be Love, Van Halen

Notorious for ‘Only time will tell if we stand the test of time’. Terrible lyric, but the logic is watertight. Eddie might also have pointed out truisms are true, just to hammer home the point. It’s not just that line that’s rubbish, there’s also: ‘No, I can’t recall/ Anything at all/ Ah, baby, this blows ’em all away/ Woo!’ Yup, that’s definitely not a random collection of phrases that sound ‘rock’. Still, it’s big lyrical step forward from Jump, sample lyric: ‘Jump jump jump jump.’

Champagne Supernova, Oasis

It’s unlikely Oasis themselves know what a champagne supernova is, but they were so popular then Noel could have penned a tune about fellating the neighbour’s cat and it would have sold millions. ‘Cat Jizz Asteroid Belt’ perhaps? Famous for the clever-but-not-really line: ‘Slowly walkin’ down the hall/ Faster than a cannonball.’ It goes on to ask: ‘Where were you while we were getting high?’ Not defying the basic laws of physics for a start.