YOU assume glamorous TV couples end up having great sex. But what if it was a nightmare of erectile dysfunction and frigidity? Here are the sexual problems they probably had.
Maddie and David, Moonlighting: Micropenis
Micropenis affects 0.015 per cent of men, but there are a lot of TV couples so it had to happen to someone, in this case Bruce Willis. His constant wisecracking was a compensation mechanism, and a frustrated Maddie (Cybill Shepherd) eventually leaves him as he sobs despondently. Had it ever been made, this would have been one of the less funny episodes.
Monica and Chandler, Friends: Sexual neurosis
Monica’s obsession with order ruins their sex life. Lovemaking can only take place once the duvet has been thoroughly checked for stains, creases and dust, and between the times of 11.05pm and 11.45pm. The lack of spontaneity causes Chandler to start sleeping with prostitutes.
The Doctor and Amy Pond, Doctor Who: Diphallia
The Doctor (Matt Smith) and Amy (Karen Gillan) were very close, so let’s assume they shagged. Fanboys probably disagree, but they’re all pathetic virgins. As a Time Lord, the Doctor not only has two hearts but two penises, never mentioned because it’s a family show. Amy is unable to accept his abnormal genitals, and no she is not trying that thing he keeps suggesting.
Dempsey and Makepeace: Impotence
In the last episode the duo confront their feelings for each other, so they must surely have attempted to pork. However the pressure to perform after years of flirtatious banter is too much for James Dempsey (Michael Brandon). Eventually they settle into sexless companionship, with Dempsey channelling his frustration into woodworking, and Makepeace having numerous affairs, which is not difficult due to being Glynis Barber.
Mulder and Scully, The X-Files: Fetishistic disorder
After an unsatisfactory one-night stand, Mulder confesses the true reason for his pursuit of aliens – he finds them sexually attractive. Scientifically-minded Scully tries studying the phenomenon, but gets tired of wearing a grey rubber suit and instead meets someone with a comparatively normal Nazi uniform fetish.
Carrie and Mr Big, Sex and the City: Premature ejaculation
Despite being a millionaire financier and alpha male, Big suffers from ego-crushing premature ejaculation. It’s so severe he often climaxes not just seconds into sex, but while entering Carrie’s apartment. However there is a happy ending as Carrie and Big get married and he finds an anaesthetic spray that enables him to last well over a minute.