The distressing sexual problems of fictional TV couples

YOU assume glamorous TV couples end up having great sex. But what if it was a nightmare of erectile dysfunction and frigidity? Here are the sexual problems they probably had.

Maddie and David, Moonlighting: Micropenis

Micropenis affects 0.015 per cent of men, but there are a lot of TV couples so it had to happen to someone, in this case Bruce Willis. His constant wisecracking was a compensation mechanism, and a frustrated Maddie (Cybill Shepherd) eventually leaves him as he sobs despondently. Had it ever been made, this would have been one of the less funny episodes.

Monica and Chandler, Friends: Sexual neurosis

Monica’s obsession with order ruins their sex life. Lovemaking can only take place once the duvet has been thoroughly checked for stains, creases and dust, and between the times of 11.05pm and 11.45pm. The lack of spontaneity causes Chandler to start sleeping with prostitutes.

The Doctor and Amy Pond, Doctor Who: Diphallia

The Doctor (Matt Smith) and Amy (Karen Gillan) were very close, so let’s assume they shagged. Fanboys probably disagree, but they’re all pathetic virgins. As a Time Lord, the Doctor not only has two hearts but two penises, never mentioned because it’s a family show. Amy is unable to accept his abnormal genitals, and no she is not trying that thing he keeps suggesting.

Dempsey and Makepeace: Impotence

In the last episode the duo confront their feelings for each other, so they must surely have attempted to pork. However the pressure to perform after years of flirtatious banter is too much for James Dempsey (Michael Brandon). Eventually they settle into sexless companionship, with Dempsey channelling his frustration into woodworking, and Makepeace having numerous affairs, which is not difficult due to being Glynis Barber.

Mulder and Scully, The X-Files: Fetishistic disorder

After an unsatisfactory one-night stand, Mulder confesses the true reason for his pursuit of aliens – he finds them sexually attractive. Scientifically-minded Scully tries studying the phenomenon, but gets tired of wearing a grey rubber suit and instead meets someone with a comparatively normal Nazi uniform fetish.

Carrie and Mr Big, Sex and the City: Premature ejaculation

Despite being a millionaire financier and alpha male, Big suffers from ego-crushing premature ejaculation. It’s so severe he often climaxes not just seconds into sex, but while entering Carrie’s apartment. However there is a happy ending as Carrie and Big get married and he finds an anaesthetic spray that enables him to last well over a minute.

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Banks free to bollocks everything up again

A NEW set of financial rules will give banks the freedom to trash the economy beyond repair again, it has been announced.

The overhaul of regulations will do away with pesky things like red tape and accountability, laying the groundwork for a 2008-style financial apocalypse that banks will ultimately profit from.

Chancellor Jeremy Hunt said: “Why the confusion and dread? Rolling the dice with your life savings is precisely what you lot voted for in 2016. So you’ve only got yourselves to blame when it inevitably goes tits up.

“Look, banks have learnt their lesson from 2008. You’d have to be a monster with a heart of stone to look in their big, glistening doe-eyes as they say they’re really, really sorry and not be moved to tears. I felt so sad I just had to remove the cap on their bonuses.

“By saying meaningless buzzwords like ‘turbocharge growth’ and ‘post-Brexit freedom’ again and again I will jump-start the economy, boost investment and level up the country. 

“Don’t ask me how but it’ll definitely work. Not that it matters. If it turns into a horrific f**k-up again you’ll bail us out. Thanks in advance.

“This has absolutely nothing to do with top bankers being close mates and funders of the Tory party. I’m offended you could even think such a nasty thing.”