Perhaps both sides could shut the f**k up, Britain suggests to Royals

THE UK has suggested that perhaps both Harry and Megan and the Royal family could, for the good of the whole nation, shut the f**k up.

After a day of being bombarded with commentary and recaps and views on a Netflix documentary which at this stage it would be entirely redundant to actually watch, the nation has agreed that a lengthy period of silence would do everyone good.

Nathan Muir of Bedford said: “Jesus Christ, can the lot of you just f**king shut the f**k up?

“Theoretically I’m sympathetic to Harry. I prefer my wife to my boring-arse family, and I buggered off rather than stay in Wigan doing what they told me, so we’re kind of the same.

“But at this point I’ve had enough of him and his bloody bird. For me they can piss off and do whatever wonderful virtuous shit they like as long as they keep f**king quiet.

“And yes, while Kate and Wills don’t make documentaries they’re not shy of putting their own tedious gripes across in the media, and I’ve had enough of their shite as well.

“Remember how we loved the Queen? Remember we knew nothing about her because she only bothered us once a year for ten minutes? Yeah. Learn from her. Shut the f**k up.”

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Shopping centre Santa mostly using job to hook up with single mums

A MAN employed as Santa Claus in a shopping centre only took the job to shag single mothers, he has admitted.

Believing it would be the perfect opportunity for sex with lone parents, Stephen Malley, 47, applied for the role at an underwhelming grotto in Croydon, quickly racking up the record number of complaints for a UK-based Santa impersonator.

Describing his motives, Malley said: “Some of the ladies might initially question why they’d want to shag a man with only unreliable, seasonal employment as Father Christmas, who sleeps in his car.

“But when they see how good I am with their shitty children, they’ll be putty in my hands. Instead of calling me ‘Saint Nick’, these honeys will call me ‘Saint Dick’. This Santa will be knee-deep in poontang all Christmas.”

Mum Susan Traherne said: “The man asked my son, Oscar, what he wanted for Christmas this year. Then he winked at me in a sleazy way.

“He smelt of stale cider and there were cigarette burns on his red trousers. Santa’s for the kiddies, I don’t think he should be asking women if there’s ‘a bloke on the scene’. Then he said something about wanting to come down my chimney. 

“Naturally I asked for a refund. And for Santa to be reported to the police.”

As he was escorted from the shopping centre by security, Malley said: “Luckily I put my phone number in the cheapo gifts I gave to the kids of the hottest ones. 

“Santa’s definitely going to be emptying his sack before long, if you catch my drift.”