I’M A Celebrity runner-up Matt Hancock will step down as an MP at the next election. What does the future hold for the man whose only crime was loving too much? Apart from killing people in care homes.
2023 – LBC show
Matt rebrands himself as ‘Matthew’ Hancock for a drivetime slot on LBC. However instead of hard-hitting political discourse, every call is just someone taking the piss. Showing his usual level of competence, Hancock plays Stormzy and Sam Fender on a talk radio show. He starts dressing like Roman Kemp and thinks a move to Radio 1 is assured. It’s not. He’s sacked.
2024 – The lure of TV
Hancock naturally cannot resist a humiliating appearance on Have I Got News for You?, where Paul Merton calls him a twat for 30 minutes while he grins pathetically.
Within a year he churns out appearances on Celebrity Bake Off, Celebrity Masterchef, Celebrity Coach Trip, Celebrity Bargain Hunt and – after he’s dumped by his partner Gina – Celebs Go Dating. The voiceover refers to him as ‘Matt Hands on his Cock’ for the entire eight-week run.
Matt tries to negotiate himself a £400,000 pay day to be on Drag Race UK. He fails. A tape of him in drag as ‘Pfizer Minelli’ is sold to the tabloids. A shitstorm ensues.
2025 – Bad investments
Buoyed by the reaction to singing Don’t Stop Me Now at the Tory conference, Hancock releases a compilation of soft rock covers. He nepotistically gives his mate the contract to press 100 million CDs, even though no one uses CDs anymore. Suddenly he is on the verge of bankruptcy.
Next he launches a men’s fragrance called ‘Redemption by Matt Hancock’. He self-finances ads in the only publications he’s heard of: The Spectator, The Times and The Lancet. He ploughs his last remaining cash into a ‘naughty politician’-themed bar in Tenerife called Bum Grabbers. He knows nothing about running a bar, much like his time at the NHS. It’s closed in a week.
2026 – Mental breakdown
Broke and out of options, Hancock goes back to what he knows: politics. Shunned by the Tories he is forced to stand as the I’m Alright Once You Get to Know Me Party. The last straw is when he gets just 17 votes and loses his deposit. His mental health deteriorates.
Finally when a dishevelled, bearded Hancock is spotted wandering through London’s parks drinking a carton of Ribena and screaming ‘Maintain two metres social distance’ he is taken away for psychiatric treatment.
2027 – Captain Hook in panto
A refreshed Hancock pops up after a year away from public life. He’s signed up for regional panto, and wanted to be Peter Pan but the producers felt he was more suited to being a villain. Also he didn’t have the star power of Vicki Michelle from ‘Allo ‘Allo!.
Reviews are mixed. The Ipswich Mercury calls him ‘very believable as an utter shitbag’. However the plaudits go to the more measured, nuanced performance of Tinkerbell, played, much to Hancock’s embarrassment, by Professor Chris Witty.
