LBC show, bad investments, breakdown, Captain Hook in panto: Matt Hancock's next five years

I’M A Celebrity runner-up Matt Hancock will step down as an MP at the next election. What does the future hold for the man whose only crime was loving too much? Apart from killing people in care homes.

2023 – LBC show

Matt rebrands himself as ‘Matthew’ Hancock for a drivetime slot on LBC. However instead of hard-hitting political discourse, every call is just someone taking the piss. Showing his usual level of competence, Hancock plays Stormzy and Sam Fender on a talk radio show. He starts dressing like Roman Kemp and thinks a move to Radio 1 is assured. It’s not. He’s sacked.

2024 – The lure of TV

Hancock naturally cannot resist a humiliating appearance on Have I Got News for You?, where Paul Merton calls him a twat for 30 minutes while he grins pathetically.

Within a year he churns out appearances on Celebrity Bake Off, Celebrity Masterchef, Celebrity Coach Trip, Celebrity Bargain Hunt and – after he’s dumped by his partner Gina – Celebs Go Dating. The voiceover refers to him as ‘Matt Hands on his Cock’ for the entire eight-week run.

Matt tries to negotiate himself a £400,000 pay day to be on Drag Race UK. He fails. A tape of him in drag as ‘Pfizer Minelli’ is sold to the tabloids. A shitstorm ensues.

2025 – Bad investments

Buoyed by the reaction to singing Don’t Stop Me Now at the Tory conference, Hancock releases a compilation of soft rock covers. He nepotistically gives his mate the contract to press 100 million CDs, even though no one uses CDs anymore. Suddenly he is on the verge of bankruptcy.

Next he launches a men’s fragrance called ‘Redemption by Matt Hancock’. He self-finances ads in the only publications he’s heard of: The Spectator, The Times and The Lancet. He ploughs his last remaining cash into a ‘naughty politician’-themed bar in Tenerife called Bum Grabbers. He knows nothing about running a bar, much like his time at the NHS. It’s closed in a week.

2026 – Mental breakdown

Broke and out of options, Hancock goes back to what he knows: politics. Shunned by the Tories he is forced to stand as the I’m Alright Once You Get to Know Me Party. The last straw is when he gets just 17 votes and loses his deposit. His mental health deteriorates.

Finally when a dishevelled, bearded Hancock is spotted wandering through London’s parks drinking a carton of Ribena and screaming ‘Maintain two metres social distance’ he is taken away for psychiatric treatment.

2027 – Captain Hook in panto

A refreshed Hancock pops up after a year away from public life. He’s signed up for regional panto, and wanted to be Peter Pan but the producers felt he was more suited to being a villain. Also he didn’t have the star power of Vicki Michelle from ‘Allo ‘Allo!

Reviews are mixed. The Ipswich Mercury calls him ‘very believable as an utter shitbag’. However the plaudits go to the more measured, nuanced performance of Tinkerbell, played, much to Hancock’s embarrassment, by Professor Chris Witty.

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York does not belong in Yorkshire, Northerners confirm

THE city of York is poncey, up its own arse, and makes the rest of Yorkshire look silly, real Northerners have confirmed.

With plenty of down-to-earth, no nonsense places like Huddersfield or Ripon to choose from, those from the area say York should be kicked out of the county altogether.

Roy Hobbs, from Brighouse, said: “York thinks it’s so special with its la-di-da minster and multiple Harry Potter shops, but any right-thinking Yorkshireman knows it secretly fancies itself as a southern city, which should be a crime against humanity.

“Everything there costs a fortune. If there’s one thing us northerners are known for it’s being tightfisted bastards with chips on our shoulders, and the fact that York welcomes tourists and their money offends our sense of parochial misery.

“And it’s not just York. Did you know Leeds has a Harvey Nichols now? And don’t get me started on Harrogate and its highfalutin spa. Give me a proper place like Bradford any day. That’s got all the properties of a real Northern town: run down, depressing and full of pound shops.

“If it was up to me, York would be bombed into dust. Unfortunately my wife loves the year-round Christmas shop so I’ve just got to put up with it.”