One last miners' strike, nostalgic Tories decide

A WISTFUL Conservative party has decided to indulge in one last miners’ strike for old times’ sake.

By opening a coal mine in Cumbria, the government hopes to relive the heady glory days of the Thatcher era when the police could twat picketing workers in the face with truncheons.

Communities secretary Michael Gove said: “I don’t care about generating jobs or harming the environment. I just want to see Northern plebeians charged at by mounted officers. It makes me feel all tingly inside.

“I and my constituents yearn for those good old days. These modern strikes aren’t the same. There aren’t crowds of people throwing bricks at each other like you used to get in proper industrial action. So let’s bring it back for one last hurrah before the idiot public finally boots us out.

“It’ll have something for everyone. Old-timers who remember miners’ strikes from the first time round will get a nostalgic rush, and youngsters will dig its retro charm in the same way they got into Kate Bush via Stranger Things.

“Okay, the miners will ultimately get a raw deal, but that’s kind of the point. We’ve got to remain faithful to the source material by not giving a f**k about them.”

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Royal family explodes in flames

KING Charles has exploded, the Prince of Wales is on fire and Prince George has been declared a biohazard after the release of Harry and Meghan’s documentary.

Fire crews are at Clarence House hosing down the remains of Charles in the hope he can be rebuilt, but are struggling to extinguish the conflagration. The Queen Consort is said to be belching smoke but under control.

Meanwhile at Kensington Palace the Prince of Wales continues to burn, containment shields around the Princess of Wales are failing, and Prince George has been roped off awaiting specialists in hazmat gear.

A Palace insider said: “Last night we were saying, ‘How incendiary can one documentary be?’ Today we had the answer.

“The combination of personal photographs, mild criticism and minor-key piano music hit Charles like a bomb. A whole wing of the building has been vapourised. What’s left is a raging inferno.

“William was seen staggering through his home exuding fire, rolling on the floor to put it out and melting the very stone to lava. His wife’s suffered a nuclear meltdown and George is now so toxic anything within 500 feet of him dies.

“The Royal family’s over, killed by the self-serving crocodile tears of an American actress. If only we’d listened to the Daily Mail and had her killed.”