Eight unhelpful comments to make when someone is ill this winter

HAVE you come down with some cold weather lurgy, probably a cold or flu? It’s 100 per cent guaranteed that friends and family will have a plentiful supply of bollocks to make you feel worse.

‘You need to sweat it out’

Hang on, Dr Victorian Times. You’ve got a horrible cold, not Lassa fever. You’re not hallucinating rats eating your fingers just yet. If you want to make yourself useful, put the cartoon channel on and make me a Lemsip. And no, I won’t need some bloodletting, thanks.

‘Better to have it now than at Christmas’

Technically true, but a better outcome would be not feeling like shit now OR on Christmas Day. It’s like your true love saying: ‘I’ve met someone better than you – especially at sex – and I’m leaving you. What’s the problem? I told you just now, not on your birthday.’

‘Hot lemon and honey is what you need’

Every f**kwit recommends this because some other f**kwit said it to them. You’ve got a splitting migraine and your bones are aching like they’re dissolving in acid. You don’t need a nasty lemon drink, you need an injection of battlefield morphine.

‘Exercise strengthens your immune system’

It does, but what this person meant to say is: ‘I work out and I’m not a pathetic weakling with flu like you.’ Tell you what, I’ll go for a six-mile run right now, with this suffocating cough and the energy levels of a dead mouse. I’ll pass out and injure myself, but anything to appease your fitness fascism, you smug twat. By the way, when you come down with flu because exercise can’t stop a virus really, I’ll be fully recovered and pissing myself with laughter.

‘There’s a lot of it going round’

You’ve become a qualified virologist since we last met, have you Auntie Pam? Of course there’s a virus on the loose – you’ve f**king got it. If she’d lived in 1348 she’d have been telling plague victims there’s ‘something going round’ as their nose fell off and they gave a final death rattle.

‘Is it the Covid?’

Probably not, but thanks for introducing that element of paranoia. Now you can enjoy shivering and coughing while scaring yourself shitless because you’re physically and psychologically weakened and your depressed brain thinks you’ll die alone and forgotten on a ventilator.

‘It might be bird flu’

Bird flu in humans is incredibly rare. So it’s not that. This is usually said by a blabbermouth who lives by the maxim, ‘If you’ve got nothing worth saying, babble on witlessly anyway.’ Obviously you should heed their warning and check you’re not turning into a chicken.

‘You need to sleep it off’

This may be the only remedy. However this has already occurred to you as a treatment option because you can’t get out of f**king bed without wanting to throw up. Thanks for all the useful advice, twats.

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Lord Davros of Fraggle Rock: How to make up your corrupt Tory peer name

ARE you due to become a Tory peer, probably after giving them a lot of money? You’ll need a title for your new role, in which you get a large allowance and subsidised meals to help you feather your nest.

Since it’s made up, let your imagination roam free with these suggestions for your new grifting name.

Old family pet name + favourite sexual position

A chance to honour a dead pet and express the sexual you. Possibilities: Lord Rufus of Prone, Lady Tigger of Anal, Lord Rover of Sandwich.

Favourite drink + favourite Carry On actors

We’re all fond of a tipple and Carry On films so why not become them? Possibilities: Lord Beer of Hawtrey, Lady Babycham of Jacques, Lady Scrumpy Jack of Windsor.

Street you grew up in + favourite drug

A respectful nod to both your past and preferred illegal high. Possibilities: Lord Bramley Road of Gak, Lady Cul-De-Sac of Ecstasy, Lord High Street of Skunk.

Favourite kids’ TV programme + most shameful fantasy

Charming nostalgia coupled with your warped sexual urges. Possibilities: Lord Playschool of Feltz, Lady Clangers of Hancock-In-The-Rear, Lord Bagpuss of School Uniforms.

Favourite confectionery + place you lost your virginity

Mediocre chocolate bars are part of our national identity, and where you popped the cherry is part of your personal one. Possibilities: Lady Marsbar of Carpark, Lady Bounty of Pew, Lord Twix of Notyethappened.

Memorable childhood Christmas present + most common noise or phrase while lovemaking 

Childhood and adulthood combined in one unhealthy title. Possibilities: Lady Monopoly of Yesyesyesyesyes, Lord Lego of Jawohl Mein Fuhrer, Lady Mariocart of Don’t Worry, It Happens.