Five fun ways to insult your partner on Valentine's Day

ARE you planning to celebrate Valentine’s Day in a totally selfish way? Here are some shitty things to inflict on your partner.

Take them somewhere only you want to go to

Keen to try the ‘all you can eat for £2.50’ deal at The Chicken ‘n’ Ribz Shack? Sit there ignoring your partner as you tear into piles of meat like a wolf covered in BBQ sauce. Or if you’re not into a meal, how about a romantic trip to the Imperial War Museum’s new exhibition about the Luftwaffe?

Your phone is more fun 

Obsessively check texts, work emails and Facebook throughout the evening, as is normal. Or blatantly try to reach level 112 of some crappy game called Ninja Fruit Monkey Castle.

Whine about other people’s Valentine’s Days

Even if your partner has made an effort, keep mentioning Penny and Steve who are having a much better luxury weekend in Venice – with a balloon trip. If your loved one doesn’t tell you to shut the f**k up about your overpaid yuppie twat friends, they’re a ‘keeper’. 

Combine Valentine’s Day with your weekly shop 

Be super-efficient by going for a quick meal then dragging your partner round Asda to do your weekly shop while it’s nice and quiet. Then it’s back to yours for an evening of putting away tins and oven chips before going straight to sleep, happy in the knowledge that you’ve got some more Toilet Duck.

Just get p*ssed

If you’re not into Valentine’s Day, relieve the tedium by getting utterly wankered in the restaurant. Nothing says ‘romance’ like drunkenly arguing with a cab driver and having several abortive attempts at sex before passing out and pissing the bed.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Michael Gove kept in cabinet to spite Britain

MICHAEL Gove has kept his position in the cabinet to punish Britain, Boris Johnson has confirmed. 

The goggle-eyed former coke-snorter has been catastrophically bad as education secretary, justice secretary and environment secretary, but has remained in the cabinet to teach us that he is no more than we deserve. 

The prime minister said: “I’d love to sack Michael. I hate him. He’s a repulsive, slimy, backstabbing sewer rat. But I’m not getting rid of him and neither are you. 

“I can think of no better expression of my contempt for this country than to keep Gove’s webbed hands on the levers of power. Teachers still hate him from 2014. You don’t throw away a talent like that. 

“He will still be sent out to defend the government’s policies on telly when I can’t be bothered. He will still slither around parliament like a pool of oil. And ultimately he will have the full blame for Brexit pinned upon him. 

“Until then, Michael stays. And when you see him and think ‘Somebody up there hates us’, yes. That’s the point.”