Sunday, 9th May 2021

Five Facebook types you'll never stop hate-following

THESE days Facebook is only used to keep an eye on people you hate. So who are they and why are they so awful you’ll never unfollow them?

The emotional blackmailer. This guy regularly posts useful awareness messages about cancer treatment and mental health – but ruins this caring gesture by implying that if you don’t repost them, you’re the scum of the earth. 

The ‘friend’ you’ve known since you were four. Actually you’d have completely forgotten her if it wasn’t for the friendship life-support system Facebook. She tediously responds to everything you post with ‘Can’t believe I’ve known you since I was 4!’ and several heart emojis, which might explain why she hasn’t got any proper friends.

The animal rights activist. She posts daily videos of distressed livestock and her ‘yummy vegan dinner’. She reckons her okra crumble with nut cheese sprinkle looks delicious, not realising her propaganda is turning you into a militant carnivore.

Humblebrag housewife. Pretends to be taking pictures of her kids, but leaves the shots incredibly wide so you can see her massive barn conversion. Think you’re looking at a shot of young Finley baking cupcakes? No. It’s a coded, sneering message saying “Our kitchen is bigger than your tragic little shoebox of a house”.

‘Entrepreneur’ friend. She sells moisturiser and weird vitamin powders in what is clearly a pyramid scheme, but makes out it’s a successful business. She’d happily scam you into buying anti-ageing ‘serum’ that’s just sugar syrup and lies, so you’re quite happy to read her DMs about how awful her life really is.