Five honeymoon period relationship f**k-ups everyone makes

THE honeymoon period is known for its unbridled joy and marathon shagging. It is also a time when you will make these glaring errors.

Neglecting your friends

Your mates were always there for you, yeah? So how do you repay the favour now you’re loved-up? You ignore their texts and blank them in public. Now that you’re officially lost to a relationship, you’d better hope it lasts forever, unless you fancy being the loser in the pub always drinking on his own.

Spending shitloads

Forget energy bills and a rise in National Insurance, you’ve got to keep going on exciting dates. Your partner says they’re happy to stay in and watch telly, but what they really mean is that they want a slap-up meal and a trip to the theatre. Soon this becomes normal, you total pillock.

Saying ‘I love you’

There’s a time and a place for dropping the L-bomb, and that’s after your partner has said it, to prove you’re not just in it for the orgasms. However if you say ‘I love you’ during the first frenzied shagging sessions with someone who’s basically a stranger, there’s a strong chance they’ll respond with the deeply unsexy ‘We need to talk’.

Divulging your kinks

Even though you’re spending most of your time in the bedroom, you shouldn’t share the f**ked-up sex stuff that really gets you going. If they find your Deanna Troi costume and gas mask in the back of your wardrobe, just say you cosplay obscure Star Trek episodes. It’s slightly less embarrassing. Or maybe not.

Revealing your true self

Rookie mistake. During the honeymoon period you need to maintain a facade of appearing cool and interesting and like you’ve got your shit together. Only once your poor, unsuspecting partner has signed the marriage papers should you feel comfortable enough to reveal your true, thoroughly boring self. Check this eventuality isn’t covered in the prenup.

Man thinks his satnav's journey times are for pussies

A MALE motorist feels the journey durations calculated by his satnav are a personal challenge he must beat to prove his manhood.

Emotionally insecure prick Tom Logan thinks he can only maintain his imaginary alpha male status by speeding from A to B far faster than it is meant to take normal people.

Logan said: “If I get in my car and it says it will take one hour 45 minutes to get to Cirencester or wherever I just think ‘Nah, I can beat that’. In fact I have to or I’m not a proper bloke.

“Various buried psychological issues are at work here, but the main one is that my satnav’s voice is female, and if I can’t tank it to my destination quicker than some woman reckons I’m only half a man, right?

“Weirdly, it still always seems to be unerringly correct, but that’s just down to all the other prats on the road driving like pussies. There’s not much I can do to prevent that, they just need to get out of the f**king way and see how a real, heterosexual man drives.”

Logan’s partner Sarah said: “Tom’s obsession with thinking he can drive down the A38 like he’s Lewis f**king Hamilton baffles me. 

“This is just wild speculation, but I think it might be related to his unfeasibly tiny penis.”