Five obvious lies women tell men about what they find attractive

MEN are slightly disgusting, so it’s not surprising women fib about what they find attractive. Here are some nice sentiments that are actually filthy lies.

‘I just want someone who’ll make me laugh’

Technically true, but what she really wants is for you to make her laugh AND have all the other qualities she desires. When you’re not making her roll in the aisles with professional-standard jokes you should be earning a decent salary and dressing well. And if she hears a burglar downstairs you’ve got to fearlessly investigate, not do a Woody Allen routine about being a coward.

‘I actually find bald men really sexy’

Those bald men being The Rock, Pep Guardiola and, from certain angles, Jason Statham. Sadly, you’re none of the above. Due to your follicles giving up in your mid-20s the only bald movie star you resemble is Gollum. Any woman who says this should have to go out with a quota of baldies before she’s allowed to settle down with a lusciously-tressed Fabio lookalike.

‘Money isn’t important to me’

Implausibly, women are not interested in the stuff you need to eat, own a home and buy non-shite birthday presents. The truth is they don’t want to go out with the Wolf of Wall Street, although he is your financial role model, but nor do they envisage a romantic future of perpetually extending your overdraft and going through jacket pockets in the hope of finding a fiver.

‘I like grey hair, it’s distinguished’

It certainly is, if you’re Sir David Attenborough. But most women aren’t trying to get jiggy with iconic 95-year-old nature broadcasters. Unless they have severe daddy issues or are really interested in whales. Your best option is to crack open the Just For Men. Just beware it running down your face if the temperature goes above 11 degrees, making it look as if your head is melting.

 ‘I don’t care about muscles’

Women love your beer belly and don’t care if you don’t have washboard abs. Yeah right. And they don’t care if you’re ‘cuddly’ (ie. horribly out of shape) and sex is like a manatee navigating a slippery rock. No, they love puniness and blubber and it’s just a coincidence that now they’re going to the bathroom to google pictures of Channing Tatum.

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The most middle-class things you can do to support Ukraine

THE war in Ukraine is a tragedy, but how can you support the victims in a way that’s better and more ethical than everyone else? Read on…

Worry about art treasures

Yes, Russia is deliberately killing civilians. That’s what people who watch Good Morning Britain are concerned about. But what of their world-renowned Malevich collection and Kyiv’s mesmerising House with Chimaeras? You can’t believe you’re the only one fretting about this.

Get the kids painting

Order your children to get out the yellow and blue paints. It should only take about 10 minutes before they’ll have made passable Ukrainian flags for the front window. Remember to tell them it was all their idea.

Donate to the marginalised

Those refugees might be war-torn but they’re overwhelmingly white and cis. Seek out a more bespoke charity that’s worthy of your financial contributions, perhaps something focusing on displaced sex workers. Lead by example by posting your donation on Insta.

Stan Zelensky

Previously you’d probably have assumed he was a far-right populist like Trump, but now this khaki-clad hero is the talk of your WhatsApp group. You’re resolute and lion-hearted by professing your crush on him. Yes, some embarrassing posts by a sexually frustrated yummy mummy are really what he needs right now.

Read a book about it

It worked with racism: during Black Lives Matter you read White Fragility, confronted your own racism and now all that’s over. So get Red Famine, read about Ukrainians suffering under Stalin, and miss no opportunity to be publicly well-informed. It’s a better way of caring.

Wish you could take in a refugee

How sincerely and powerfully you wish you could take in a refugee family. How it hurts that you can’t, because you only have five bedrooms, one’s been converted into a home office, Edward still needs his during term breaks and the bloody Tories won’t let any in anyway. But God you wish you could. Oh well.