Saturday, 4th April 2020

Five things more romantic than buying a crappy Valentine's card from a garage

IF THE unspontaneous purchase of an overpriced Valentine’s card from the nearest convenient shop isn’t for you, try these ways of showing your partner you love them:  

Load the dishwasher properly  

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like opening a dishwasher and finding you don’t have to reload the whole f**king thing and do it again. The sight of plates that have been rinsed and stacked correctly is undoubtedly the best way to someone’s heart.

Watch their choice of film and actually pay attention

To remind your partner why they fell in love with you, go along enthusiastically with their choice of movie and really watch it, rather than p*ssing about on your phone. When you bring up plot points and praise performances afterwards, they’ll melt into your arms.

Say it with a steak slice

If you’re intent on expressing affection using the local petrol station, forget the card. A delicious steak pasty, a litre of own-brand vodka or 20 Lambert & Butler are a thoughtful indulgence far preferable to a teddy bear with a heart on its tummy, and more traditionally traded for sex.

Put stuff away

If you really want to show someone you care why not try putting your stuff away? Little heartfelt gestures like placing your shoes in the wardrobe, not in the middle of the hall, or shifting some of the sh*t piled at the bottom of the stairs really say ‘I love you’.

Don’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day at all

Buy them nothing at all. Simply tell your partner you love them too too much to make them a pawn in a commercial enterprise devised to line the pockets of the rich. The relief as they realise they’re no longer obliged to touch your genitalia that night is the grandest romantic gesture of all.