Five things more romantic than buying a crappy Valentine's card from a garage

IF THE unspontaneous purchase of an overpriced Valentine’s card from the nearest convenient shop isn’t for you, try these ways of showing your partner you love them:  

Load the dishwasher properly  

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like opening a dishwasher and finding you don’t have to reload the whole f**king thing and do it again. The sight of plates that have been rinsed and stacked correctly is undoubtedly the best way to someone’s heart.

Watch their choice of film and actually pay attention

To remind your partner why they fell in love with you, go along enthusiastically with their choice of movie and really watch it, rather than p*ssing about on your phone. When you bring up plot points and praise performances afterwards, they’ll melt into your arms.

Say it with a steak slice

If you’re intent on expressing affection using the local petrol station, forget the card. A delicious steak pasty, a litre of own-brand vodka or 20 Lambert & Butler are a thoughtful indulgence far preferable to a teddy bear with a heart on its tummy, and more traditionally traded for sex.

Put stuff away

If you really want to show someone you care why not try putting your stuff away? Little heartfelt gestures like placing your shoes in the wardrobe, not in the middle of the hall, or shifting some of the sh*t piled at the bottom of the stairs really say ‘I love you’.

Don’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day at all

Buy them nothing at all. Simply tell your partner you love them too too much to make them a pawn in a commercial enterprise devised to line the pockets of the rich. The relief as they realise they’re no longer obliged to touch your genitalia that night is the grandest romantic gesture of all.

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Adorable Brummie thinks he's going to be a yuppie

A BIRMINGHAM man has amused his family and friends by telling them he will use HS2 to get a well-paid job in London. 

Tom Logan, aged 22, keeps saying in his thick Brummie accent that he will travel to the capital to work in the City or the media, which everyone has described as ‘absolutely darling’.

Mother Kathy said: “Imagine. Our Tom a yuppie. Isn’t it just the cutest?

“He’s too naive to realise HS2 is a worthless vanity project that will still be in limbo in 2040, or that yuppies stopped being a thing 30 years ago, or that he’d never get a job because he didn’t go to public school or Oxbridge. Bless.

“I just love filming his little earnest face saying his little ambitions in his little Brummie voice. They’re so adorable when they still believe in the government.”

A Conservative spokesman said: “It’s wonderful that little Tom supports HS2 and I suggest he writes a letter to the prime minister, Mr Johnson, care of our press office.

“We’ll do a photo-opportunity where Boris shows him conceptual drawings of non-existent trains and gives him a badge and an ice-cream.”