YOU’RE a bit pathetic when even the sex in your sleeping brain lacks excitement. Be deeply ashamed of these erotic dream scenarios:
Having sex with your ex: You’re unadventurous
It’s a dream. You could be shagging a mermaid with seven breasts, an evil robot with a giant schlong, or at least your sixth-form art teacher. And yet you’ve opted for the ex you weren’t even particularly into when the sex was real. God, your subconscious is square.
Having sex with your partner: You’re boring
Missionary. In your bed. With your partner. What’s the point in letting your imagination run free if it’s just real life? It’s like dreaming about getting a good night’s sleep. Still, at least in the dream you managed to put the condom on the right way on the first attempt, instead of the usual fumbling, passion-killing palaver.
Having sex with a celebrity: You’re unimaginative
There’s nothing more obvious and tragic than getting it on with a flawless A-lister, Scarlett Johansson or Harry Styles if you like your wet dreams predictable. And it’s a star who’s the right gender to match your sexuality to boot. You’re too boring to think outside the box even when immersed in a dreamscape.
Having sex with a coworker: You’re desperate
A risqué office fling could be steamy stuff, but not if it involves tearing the soup-stained blouse off Carol, your boring, work-obsessed line manager. And it’s definitely time to address the orgasm drought you’re facing in real life before you find yourself doing it in your subconscious with Steve the IT guy in all his rancid-coffee-breath glory.
You can’t get it up: You’re past it
They do say dreams mirror real life, but if your unconscious libido can’t even perform in a make-believe scenario, what hope is there left? Cancel all your dating apps and resign yourself to getting your kicks from Wordle.