Five unimaginative sex dreams and what they say about you

YOU’RE a bit pathetic when even the sex in your sleeping brain lacks excitement. Be deeply ashamed of these erotic dream scenarios:

Having sex with your ex: You’re unadventurous 

It’s a dream. You could be shagging a mermaid with seven breasts, an evil robot with a giant schlong, or at least your sixth-form art teacher. And yet you’ve opted for the ex you weren’t even particularly into when the sex was real. God, your subconscious is square.

Having sex with your partner: You’re boring

Missionary. In your bed. With your partner. What’s the point in letting your imagination run free if it’s just real life? It’s like dreaming about getting a good night’s sleep. Still, at least in the dream you managed to put the condom on the right way on the first attempt, instead of the usual fumbling, passion-killing palaver.

Having sex with a celebrity: You’re unimaginative 

There’s nothing more obvious and tragic than getting it on with a flawless A-lister, Scarlett Johansson or Harry Styles if you like your wet dreams predictable. And it’s a star who’s the right gender to match your sexuality to boot. You’re too boring to think outside the box even when immersed in a dreamscape. 

Having sex with a coworker: You’re desperate

A risqué office fling could be steamy stuff, but not if it involves tearing the soup-stained blouse off Carol, your boring, work-obsessed line manager. And it’s definitely time to address the orgasm drought you’re facing in real life before you find yourself doing it in your subconscious with Steve the IT guy in all his rancid-coffee-breath glory. 

You can’t get it up: You’re past it

They do say dreams mirror real life, but if your unconscious libido can’t even perform in a make-believe scenario, what hope is there left? Cancel all your dating apps and resign yourself to getting your kicks from Wordle. 

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I'm back, and you've never met Matt Hancock the Lover before

By the new so-much-in-love Matt Hancock

FORGET everything you knew about the old Matt Hancock. I’m back and I’m more nauseatingly in love than ever before.

It’s been a crazy few months, eh? That vaccine I personally secured and distributed has knocked the panny-D on the head. (You’re welcome.) But all the other news is totes sad, so I thought I’d cheer you all up by restarting my career.

Yes, the old cool-as-a-cucumber Matt Hancock you all knew and respected is gone. But in his place is Matt Hancock the Lover. He’s suave, stylish in a polo neck, and rambles on about love in podcasts. Think Casanova meets Joe Rogan. Better lock up your daughters! (No, just joking, I am not a threat.)

Cynics will try to shoot down the new me. But all I’m guilty of is falling for an incredible woman who wasn’t my wife while mishandling the biggest public health crisis in living memory. Who hasn’t had their judgement clouded by love? I wasn’t an incompetent twat, I was just too romantic.

Thanks to extensive media training by my former colleague and the person I’m now trying to get my kids to call ‘mum’, I’m ready to return to public life. It’s taken a while for you all to swallow your pride and welcome me back, but I graciously accept your forgiveness.

With the people of Britain now firmly behind me once again I expect I can effortlessly glide back into politics. Who knows, maybe I’ll go for the top job? My manifesto: It’s not a crime to fall in love. See you at the ballot box.

Yours, Matt xxx (kissing with hearts emoji)