Gen Z dating trends developed to ensure anyone older stays well away

FINDING true love is tricky at the best of times, so the last thing you need is trendy dating bullshit to deal with too. That’s why these things are so effective at deterring geriatric oldsters over 25.

Sending memes

Gen Zers have the innate ability to communicate using seemingly unrelated pictures. Paradoxically, they do not use emojis as they think they are dumb, and somehow an image of Kermit the frog drinking tea says more than a wet eggplant ever could. It’s idiotically confused, but their brains probably haven’t finished growing yet.

Asking for their ‘Discord’

According to Google, ‘Discord lets friends chat via voice, video, or text’. That’s for the benefit of over-25s because you’ve no idea what it is due to being old and confused and scheduled for the grave. However they seem to regard Discord as more personal than asking for their number, so if you’re able to extract this precious information that’s a definite shag. 


Hardballing is a term people use on dating apps when they’re upfront about wanting a serious relationship. Since so many people on apps are just horny for hook-ups, hardballing is basically telling someone you’re not looking for a ‘f**kboi’. But for God’s sake don’t use that term as it’s already hopelessly out-of-date and you may as well invite a potential partner over to look at your brass rubbings.


Even when you do meet someone on ‘the apps’ and start going out with them, that doesn’t mean you are going out. They might be ‘stashing’ you, which means that while they like spending time with you, they don’t want you to become part of their real life and meet their friends. Which is fine by you because they’re all twats drivelling on about Tinder and social media.


Like catfishing but not as bad. Kittenfishing is changing your profile to more closely match your target’s interests, so if you see they like cats, you borrow your neighbour’s moggy to take a profile picture with even if you think cats are wankers. It’s still pretty messed up and manipulative, but if, in your ignorance, you buy some kittens to increase your chances of pulling, frankly that is probably going to work. 


Relationships are built on mutual trust, respect and long-term commitment. Situationships are not. You don’t need weekend plans, you don’t have to be exclusive, you don’t even need to reply to their texts, you just get together when you happen to be in the same place. It’s basically a Gen Z rebranding of friends with benefits. Say what you like about young folk, this sounds excellent. Time to buy an Eras t-shirt and a vape and get busy on Tinder.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Man not watching The Traitors unable to understand society

A MAN who is not watching The Traitors is completely unable to understand his friends, colleagues and the world around him, it has emerged.

Nathan Muir is not currently glued to the BBC’s hit reality show, leaving him blindly stumbling through life like a second-class citizen excluded from normal, decent, Traitors-watching society.

He said: “I thought it was bad enough when I didn’t watch Normal People. But this is at least a million times worse.

“It’s the first thing my wife wants to talk about when we wake up, then when I get to work it’s all Faithfuls this and murder that. They’re all speaking in English, but their words sound like gibberish to me.

“Even something as familiar and reassuring as Claudia Winkleman and her flawless fringe now seem disturbing and alien. Have I stumbled into an actual uncanny valley? Will I ever have a meaningful interaction with another person ever again?

“Maybe I should cave to pressure and catch up on iPlayer. Then perhaps I’ll be able to make sense of this castle full of Dementors and understand why some guy called Paul is an absolute twat.”

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “If Nathan starts watching I’m switching off. Seeing people who don’t watch it slowly losing their sanity as they turn into social pariahs is the best part of the show.”