WHILE the wife’s away, I have absolutely no idea how to feed the children. No matter how many times I say ‘Mummy will be back soon’ the little beasts keep demanding food.
I can’t ask the servants to do it, because I’m a modern future king who can do normal things and they’re nasty little gossips who’ll be straight onto the Mail. So this is how I’ve done it:
Kate admitted to hospital. We’re saying it’s abdominal surgery. I assume it’s a six-pack transplant, I haven’t asked. I bung two pizzas in the oven, I’m not a complete amateur, and serve them on the cardboard plates helpfully provided in the box.
Officially out of ideas. Call Kate but she’s ‘recovering from surgery’. Explain I’m heir to the throne. Still no. Ask the kids how they feel about pizza again and they’re fine with it. This is a doddle.
There’s no pizza. Call Kate. Still recovering, though I notice she’s not too weak to imply I’m selfish. Call Anne, she’s practical, and get both barrels about how she’s ‘the only working Royal’ and I’m ‘a useless prick like my father’. Tell the kids they can have cereal as a treat.
This is a f**king nightmare. George wants a burger, Charlotte wants ‘scrambly egg’, Louis wants sweets. The Queen calls, though she’s not my real Queen, and suggests I ‘do oven chips and nuggets’. ‘They’re bloody frozen!’ I scream. Apparently the oven fixes that.
Charlotte makes her own scrambled egg and cries when it’s ruined. George chanting ‘burger’ again and again. In desperation I copy something Ollie did once at uni and heat up tubs of something called beans and serve them with toast, which is scorched bread.
There’s nothing in the cupboards. There’s nothing in the freezer. Desperate, I scatter a family bag of crisps on the floor while the children snap at my outstretched hands.
Absolute bloody brainwave. There is a place where Royals can eat and no one, not the public or the staff or the paparazzi, will ever notice. A short drive and I’m ushering the children into a safe space to fill our hungry bellies. Welcome to Pizza Express in Woking.