Girlfriend already knows what she'll say about partner's sexual performance when they split up

A GIRLFRIEND has a clear outline of what she will say about her boyfriend’s lovemaking skills when the relationship ends. 

Charlotte Phelps has compiled a detailed mental list of criticisms, quirks, kinks and amusing anecdotes about Tom Logan’s behaviour in bed, with which she will one day regale friends, family and future sexual partners. 

Phelps said: “I’d never share gossip now and embarrass Tom. That’s for after we’ve broken up. His poor sexual performance will be the final straw that makes my friends say ‘Better off without him’, which is handy.

“Also, I can’t wait to share him trying to be all Christian Grey in the bedroom, despite being a lowly office drone who’s scared of getting told off by his mum. I’ll really enjoy the attention while I make everyone laugh at his expense, and where’s the harm in that?

“It’s empowering too – I’ve gained a really good understanding of what I don’t like in bed from dating Tom and that will help me have an excellent sex life in future.

“And Tom’s sexual disasters will make future boyfriends feel better about themselves. We’ll probably howl about it in bed, leading to great sex while Tom lies alone feeling sick at the thought of me having sex with someone else.”

Logan said: “I think Charlotte and I really connect on a sexual level. It’s all about trust.”

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15-minute cities rebranded 'It-was-better-in-my-day' towns to appeal to gammons

THE concept of ‘15-minute cities’ is being given a new name to appeal to people with an insufferably rose-tinted view of the past.

Boomers and Brexiters, who drone on about traditional high streets, were expected to be thrilled by the idea of having all their amenities on their doorstep, but instead are apoplectic with rage.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s confusing. The people most opposed to 15-minute cities are also the people who post nostalgic memes on Facebook about going to the corner shop to buy a ha’penny worth of chocolate limes, or some other vile olden days thing.

“So the solution we’ve come up with is to rename the 15-minute cities idea and relaunch it with adverts featuring polite and cheerful white people buying milk in glass bottles from other white people. 

“You know, the sort of nostalgic bollocks they lap up even though it was never actually like that in the first place.

“Basically we’ll suggest it’s like doing your shopping in a war film, but without rationing. We’ll make a big deal of saying you can buy Spam, because they claim to adore Spam fritters despite not having eaten them for 40 years, if ever.”

Roy Hobbs, 63, said: “Yes, I’d like to live in a civilised place like that. If they can also have public floggings and hangings in the town square it’ll be perfect.”