A GIRLFRIEND has a clear outline of what she will say about her boyfriend’s lovemaking skills when the relationship ends.
Charlotte Phelps has compiled a detailed mental list of criticisms, quirks, kinks and amusing anecdotes about Tom Logan’s behaviour in bed, with which she will one day regale friends, family and future sexual partners.
Phelps said: “I’d never share gossip now and embarrass Tom. That’s for after we’ve broken up. His poor sexual performance will be the final straw that makes my friends say ‘Better off without him’, which is handy.
“Also, I can’t wait to share him trying to be all Christian Grey in the bedroom, despite being a lowly office drone who’s scared of getting told off by his mum. I’ll really enjoy the attention while I make everyone laugh at his expense, and where’s the harm in that?
“It’s empowering too – I’ve gained a really good understanding of what I don’t like in bed from dating Tom and that will help me have an excellent sex life in future.
“And Tom’s sexual disasters will make future boyfriends feel better about themselves. We’ll probably howl about it in bed, leading to great sex while Tom lies alone feeling sick at the thought of me having sex with someone else.”
Logan said: “I think Charlotte and I really connect on a sexual level. It’s all about trust.”