Seven alien characters who are improbably sexually attractive

3rd October 2023

ALIEN life forms could be silicon-based, impossibly vast, or AI. It is statistically improbable we would find them attractive, which did not trouble the creators of these sci-fi babes:

Vina, Star Trek

No rigid carapace, hundred of eyes, or translucent blobs with visible internal organs for Vina – instead a hot 60s chick painted green. Vina, the original sexy alien, wasn’t actually a love interest of Kirk. He was off f**king a giant space earwig.

The Man Who Fell to Earth

An alien you wouldn’t kick out of bed due to his resemblance to prime 70s Bowie. He’s a bit detached and emotionally distant, but no more so than a man living on milk and cocaine in Los Angeles as Bowie was at this point. Severely addicted to alcohol and TV, which is relatable.

Hera Syndulla, Star Wars

Another sexy green alien, albeit with large fleshy tentacles protruding from her head. Would they be off-putting? Could you incorporate them in your loveplay? Something to think about while watching the painfully dull Ahsoka. You don’t look at the octopus when you’re poking the fire, eh?

Doctor Who

We all want to have sex with David Tennant, but regeneration is a obvious problem. If he’s Christopher Eccleston, Matt Smith or Tom Baker you can work with it, but if the Doctor turns into a geriatric or an annoying Northern woman? What if the next Doctor after a black gay man is Nigel Farage, for balance? You’d be reappraising Sylvester McCoy’s era.

Jadzia Dax, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

Winner of the Didn’t Bother prize for making Dax look alien, with cursory brown freckling on her forehead and neck. As if the creators realised attractive actress Terry Farrell would be an instant hit with sexually barren Trekkies and couldn’t be arsed gluing crap to her head for once.

Darth Maul, Star Wars

If you can get over body modifications and face tattoos, which it seems many can, Maul isn’t bad-looking and in great physical shape. He’s doing well as a Sith and has his own spaceship. If he hadn’t been chopped in half and the half with the genitals wasn’t lost, he’d be perfect for Love Island.

Diana, V

The sole issue with gorgeous, evil Diana is that she’s a hideous alien reptile underneath her fake human skin. What, three days a week she wears the skin suit, then four days a week she’s a reptile unhinging her jaw to eat a live rat? Relationships are about compromise.

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How to escape from a crappy little gift shop selling overpriced shite without buying anything

3rd October 2023

WANDERED into a curious little shop only to realise it sells nothing worth buying, you’re alone and the proprietor is staring at you? Here’s how to politely free yourself:

Never speak to the owner

Even a courteous hello to the owner of a tat emporium locks you into a sympathy purchase. Blank them at every turn. Never meet their eye; even a glance will convey how desperate they are and how badly their business is failing. Next you’re leaving with their surplus stock of pewter dragon statues and seaglass jewellery.

Never touch anything

Proper shops operate a ‘you break it, you bought it’ policy. Tiny shops selling nothing anyone could ever want demand that you buy whatever you picked up to inspect out of morbid curiosity. And now you’re going home with a little glass jar with layers of coloured sand in it that cost £17.

Act like you’re lost

After the tinkling entrance bell fades to oppressive silence and rows of dusty knick-knacks, loudly declare ‘this isn’t the pub I imagined it to be’ and walk out, backwards, staring straight ahead. Will the owner would believe you thought a gift shop was a pub? Well, he believed selling crap was a viable business, so why not?

Claim you’ve left your wallet at home

You wish you could buy a dreamcatcher and a gigantic retro box of matches, you really do, but you’ve only gone and left your wallet in your car and your car in your garage and your garage in another city. What terrible luck. ‘Maybe another day,’ you say, ignorant that the proprietor will cling to those words and long await your promised return.

Pretend to die

If you’re unlucky enough to have been cornered while browsing shelves of laser-etched driftwood, fake a cardiac arrest. Lie motionless while waiting for the ambulance even if it takes four hours. The paramedics won’t be mad. They’ve been there, they’ll understand.

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