Not all renters smoke weed or are in gangs, though I am and so are all my mates

AS A working professional renting in zone three of London, I can confirm that not every renter smokes weed or is in a gang. Though obviously I do both. 

Housing minister Rachel Maclean was absolutely right to point out that there are renters who’ve never touched, much less dealt skunk, and who have no affiliations to postcode crews. Not me, but they are out there.

Yes, it’s come to seem normal for someone like myself, a trainee corporate lawyer, and my boyfriend Hugh who’s in B2B marketing, to be in a gang. To spend our evenings on the corner, listening to drill, watching for any f**ker who tries to take these streets off us.

In many cases it comes with the rental. Jocasta, my pal who works in publishing, was told when she signed the lease that cocaine wholesaling was a condition of the tenancy. Most adverts say ‘No pets, no universal credit, must smoke skunk’ upfront.

But for every ten of us who balance a career in finance with roaming the streets mashed out of our middle-class minds wielding machetes, there’s one renter who doesn’t. Statistically.

Why, some of us, like the housing minister’s children, are even Conservative voters. As my old housemate Hugh, a TV director and crack addict who killed a man and threw his body in the Thames, renting doesn’t make you a liberal!

So I think it’s marvellous that minister is willing to stand up for the minority of decent, hard-working tenants who don’t smash limbs with baseball bats to earn enough credit for their next quarter-ounce. They need representation too.

But renting? And not being in a gang, high on cannabis, coming out of a crack den to smash up the neighbourhood? You might as well get a mortgage.

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Freshers treating 22-year-old resident advisor like wise village elder

A GROUP of freshers are listening to advice from their 22-year-old resident adviser as though it were the wisdom of ages past. 

Wide-eyed and amazed, the 18-year-olds have gathered at the feet of the worldly Jack Browne, who has lived so long he has completed an entire degree, so he can impart his invaluable insights.

Lucy Parry said: “He knows so much. None of us had any idea what drink deals were available at which nightclubs on weekday evenings, but Jack does.

“He passed on to us the ancient knowledge of campus bars are best for coke, that you can get caught streaming porn on the halls wifi, and when the Sainsburys Local down the road puts the yellow stickers out. He’s a legend.”

But housemate Ryan Whittaker said: “I question this so-called sage. He spent ten minutes recommending a fried chicken shop that gives him free colesaw, though he then admitted it only happened once and it might have been an accident.

“He has nothing to teach us. His time is gone. He should be slaughtered, and his room on the corridor given to someone young and hot, not this relic of the past. He should die so we can live.”

Parry said: “Actually it is creepy having someone so old about. Let’s go with your plan.”