Girlfriend veers into you every six steps out of love

YOUR girlfriend’s inability to walk alongside you without barging into you every few seconds is actually an act of love, according to experts.

Scientists believe the habit, which you had wrongly found intensely irksome and put down to her being ‘some kind of f**king moron’ actually stems from the unconscious desire to be closer to you.

Professor Henry Brubaker, director of the Institute for Studies, says: “This flies in the face of the previous consensus that she lacks the basic motor functions required to walk in a straight line.

“It’s long been an issue that certain girlfriends are incapable of maintaining a heading without swerving into their partner’s path. Men have reported as many collisions as 348 per mile.

“For a while we thought they were like truckers, who constantly stray into your lane because they are incapable of noticing you exist. But actually this endless jostling is an act of affection.

“Now that’s been proven, men will no longer be annoyed at being crashed into constantly by partners who cannot put one foot in front of the other without careering into your path. And if they do they’re bad people, because it’s out of love.”

Charlotte Phelps of Sheffield added: “And anyway I don’t even do it.”

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Wanking through the hustings: your extremely limited choice of sexual fantasies this election

POLITICOPHILES looking to get an erotic charge from this election aren’t finding it easy. This is how they’re managing to edge through the debates: 

Gillian Keegan as a sexy teacher

The education minister just about fits the evergreen scenario of a hot teacher, in their typical work attire of stockings and suspenders. But she doesn’t give a f**k about anything education-related so even in your fantasies she’ll just sit at her desk scrolling her phone, expecting the private sector to deal with your boner.

Doing it with Angela Rayner on the battlebus

Redhead Angela is Karen Gillan compared to her peers, so it’s easy enough to imagine yourself as a horny hitchhiker when her campaign bus pulls up. ‘Going all the way?’ she’d chuckle saucily, and sex would ensue on the back seat, upper deck. Starmer, driving the bus in a hat too big for him, would be comically unaware.

Johnny Mercer in army uniform

Buff, manly soldiers are a staple of wank fantasies, so step forward ex-commando Johnny Mercer. Unfortunately, he’s also an arrogant shit paying his wife £45k to be his secretary and got made to look a dick on Question Time by a greenie from the Guardian, which makes it tough getting moist about a bayonetting from him.

Esther McVey’s Nazi sex dungeon

After her stint at the DWP it’s easier to imagine blonde right-winger Esther as the sadistic camp kommandant in debased BDSM skinflick Ilsa, She-Wolf of the SS than not. But if you even know what that is you’re too ashamed to be aroused.

Hastily adding Layla Moran to the wank bank

Like Nick Clegg in 2010, you’d never heard of her before the election but now, in the absence of better options, you vaguely fancy a go. She’s gay, but since when did that ever preclude implausible male fantasies? But act fast because as a decent person with valid points to make TV producers will soon ban her from our screens.

Pampered in luxury by Jeremy Hunt

He looks normal next to the rest of his party, and in his favour he’s loaded. At least one of his many flats must be a luxury penthouse with an ocean view where he’ll ply you with caviar and champagne before doing you like Liz Truss did the economy. Hopefully from behind, he’s only likely to get more goggle-eyed in the final furlong.

LARPing with Penny Mordaunt

The gold standard of MP wanks, after her sword-hefting appearance at the Coronation she’s central to your Arthurian fantasies, stepping in as a warrior queen when you’re being assaulted by orcs, wargs, benefits claimants, whatever. And her hair at the last debate was magnificent, like a lion sleeping on her head.

Lisa Nandy after a night out in Wigan Spoons

The wholly unremarkable Wigan MP keeps getting mentioned in ‘sexiest MP’ lists, even topping one poll. It’s far from clear why she’s been elevated to this status, but who’d have thought Louise Mensch’s resignation would have had such a detrimental effect on British democracy?